First comer rights!

I've been foolish for so long...
cos i've had you right under my nose... but now i know....
that's its been you all this while....
so I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you, then i can have you .... back!

I met you first, twenty years ago... i should have first comer rights ... some form of priority...

Why you staying with her? she doesn't like your playstation and cant cook your favourite meal...
she thinks 'Die hard' is a dumb movie and wont sing along to Micheal Jackson's 'Beat it'

I hope the b..ch breaks up with you... then we can go back to us.
Remember that we agreed, that if we were single when one of us clocks 30 we would get married?
Oh you dont remember?.... forgot to tell you about that agreement i think... it was a silent one... a gentleman's agreement mind you, still as binding as any!

So you have a few more months to that and i hope you are single by then...

What is wrong with you anyway?
She's always screaming at you....

What is wrong with you na?
Cant you see through her?

She doesn't even like your mama and thinks you are childish to like ludo!

I'm your first kiss, even if it was slobbery and inside a wardrobe!
You told me everything... and I did too...

Don't you want to be with someone who knows you?
and accepts you exactly like you are?
your own niggy... since forever?

What is wrong with you man?
You refuse to use your eyes!

What is wrong with you dude?
Cant you see i care?

Have cared forever?
and all this pimping is for you?

Pshew! Life's a b...tch!

My Advert - I need a Boyfriend

I am tired of waiting for the right man to come to me…. I am tired of paying attention to seemingly right men who later prove me wrong…. I am interested only in the right individuals and after much deliberation I have decided to put up an advert so that only men who fit this profile… men o… no boys abeg… should apply within. This advert is valid for only 2 weeks after posting.

I need a nice young man who can hug and cuddle on demand… who will be available for bonding sessions – sessions spent together in my place, his place, and wherever catches our fancy, who is willing to seat through a few mushy movies, call and receive calls incessantly and at odd hours, not older than 35, single, not weird, no tattoos… minimal bad habits… no present or future gay tendencies and with manageable emphasis on s..x’…

Rules of Engagement - Part 2

The rest of the rules...

9.
We still like some modern chivalry!(all that women liberation /chivalry is dead thing is not all true… right? There are just a few women out there messing it up for the rest of us who really do like to have doors held open for us). So be a gentleman - Open the door for her, find out what she wants to eat and order it for her. For example, "She'll have the savoury rice with chicken in tomato sauce."
When walking through crowds, walk slightly ahead and make the way for her.
Walk on the side of the curb when walking streetside.
All these will come together to affect the overall image of you. We don’t expect it but we so love it when we get it.

10.
While still on the ‘chivalry is not dead’ lane, Accept and pay for the bill. Obey the rule of who pays - the man. I have placed a fullstop after ‘the man’ to say basically 'no story'; don’t argue it.
You can't go dutch with a woman you fancy… never! Unless she is caught and reeled in. To hell with women's liberation; that is one gift the women left unwrapped. If you are the man, and I am sure you know how to tell, you will be footing the bill, unless otherwise arranged before the date.

11.
Don't drink too much on a date. Of course, you're nervous, but when you drink too much, you will be sloppy and say stupid things, and we don’t really want to end up with a lush or know from the first date we are gonna be loving a lush.

12.
If you are going to pay a compliment, be sincere (‘you look nice’ is no compliment it is general… ‘I like your shoes’ or ‘your hair looks good’ are both better… they are specific) and don't focus so much on the physical it might set off the alarms… you don’t have to make it so obvious where you are gunning for… brodas keep in mind that it is easy to be impressed with a man that is impressed with you.

13.
Don't talk about your ex, her ex, your mother, or your medications if you are on any. Sympathy won’t get you anywhere yet because we don’t care that much yet… on the first date.

14.
If you are going to be funny, be funny without being crude… it is an art … however, with some ladies, it might be okay… its your show…

Now let’s assume, the first date was a success –

15.
If you say you will call… please do so. If you don't, you're a liar and a jerk - expect to be treated like one. Make the call the next day or two days later, 3 days or more is bull!

16.
When you make the first call, please introduce yourself, do not expect her to automatically remember you; this call is a casual call and should not last beyond 10 minutes; you may at this time express your intent to call again later in the week with plans for a date.

17.
If you decide to do a second, third and fourth date, then note that our sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers are off-limits…. We will not totally forgive you if you go there.

18.
And our best friend is a no-no too!

Rules of Engagement - Part 1

Boorish Male drew up a rule of engagement from the guys to the girls some days back and I have waited for him, even encouraged him to write something from the sistas to the guys….
However it seems Boorish has so far been unable to get into our skins and see where it hurts…. Lol…..so I’m helping him. Unfortunately there are more rules to the ladies… we get wahala!

Note: These rules apply only to a man woman relationship, dating in any other form is not catered for by these rules, and if you choose to modify them to meet your bizarre needs, you are totally on your own

1.
Firstly, Sex changes every rule. Any form of sexual alliance may in some cases modify the rules.
2.
Every rule has an exception or two or three.
3.
Never be late for a date…. Never, ever for a first day, we will not appreciate it nor respect you for it and excuses make it worse. Call before hand if you cannot avoid being late and if you don’t show up at all don’t expect a second chance…although you might get one (we are mad that way)
4.
Dress nicely – we notice… and as nasty as this may sound it is true – we love to accessorize and show off…. and whether she'll admit it to you or not, you are an accessory. Other women will judge her on her choice. A clean, good-smelling man with well-fitting clothes is a real prize.
5.
Make conversation – there is nothing that makes it work for us more than someone who can climb on our wavelength…

6.
Remember our interests - Unless we have professed a fanatical love of sports, don't think of having the date in a sports bars where you can then watch a game over dinner and have a half hearted dinner – (ko le work!)
7.
Looking at other women in the course of a date is an offence punishable by date death… so darling, make eye contact… a lot. And smile - in a friendly way. Please don't leer…
8.
Be you. Don’t try to impress us with tales of big money, kicking someone's butt, or fast cars, we will see through you and that will put a chip in all the impression you are trying to make… even if we are impressionable by these things, don’t try so hard, if its there we will see it.