And the Tyger roars poetic!

Abused
He called me
Then he hit me
The house is empty
And it’s just him and I
He grabbed me
Then he kissed me
The fear filled my heart,
Cos I’m only 8

He boxed me
Then he crushed me
I lash out and howl
Cos I’m in pain
He pulls my ear
Then says it’s my fault
That he’s doing this
But I’m only 8

He pushes me,
Then he kicks me
He won’t let me be
Leaves me shaky with fear
He slaps me
Then puts his hand up my blouse,
Fingers up my skirt
Yet I’m only 8

He smacks me,
Then shouts at me
Says I’m a she devil
Who will end up in hell
He’s abusing me
And molesting me
He’s my uncle
And I’m only 8



My Childhood and Yours
My childhood is over and so is yours
The innocent times have ended and we have closed the doors
You can’t play in the rain lest we fall in the drains
and show off ourselves as adults without brains
My childhood is over and so is yours,
Your easy days are gone and carefree has closed the shutters
We can’t seat in sand and mold Royal lands
lest we stain our gabs of expensive yarns
My childhood is over and so is yours,
Our happy days are contrived and love’s skylight’s ajar
We can’t stretch our hands and get needs on demand
From our best friends and those we inadvertently command
My childhood is over and so is yours

I drove a Cab!

Even though I have decided not to write about my day to day life on this blog, I cannot resist this particular episode.

I started off this week, this morning by driving a cab!

How did a female business consultant in a smart grey suit on her way to work end up driving a yellow cab?....
I am laughing as I remember this thing and try to narrate it.

This morning, I left home at 6.15 to get a cab to take me to work at Victoria Island; and the hold up was already building with alarming rapidity by the time I got a cab.

We meandered our way up third mainland bridge where surprisingly there was no hold up and with delight we careened down the bridge at Muson Centre, right past Tafawa Balewa Square, past Broad Street cutting out at Marina and there we joined a stand still holdup … we lost all the good time we had made and at some point I began to doze… in a bid to prevent myself from fretting… it was a quarter to 8.
We had moved about 15 feet in 25 minutes when the driver called my attention,

“Ah aunty, aunty I’m not okay at all o”
“What is wrong now?”
“Ah aunty I want to shit o…. now now….”
“Ah! Now now like how? Do it after you have dropped me now”
“Aunty I cannot wait any more o…. I have been holding it since… since we climbed third mainland bridge o…. but this hold up is too much…. I cannot hold it anymore”
“I have to get to work! I am running late…. How can you want to do that now now… I don’t understand o”
“Aunty, can an adult like myself come and shit on myself?.... allow me to beg those people in that coca cola depot to let me use their toilet o”
“You will now leave the car in the hold up?.... try and change to the side lane then so you can park further down or something” I grumbled
“Aunty I cannot wait that long o… please…. Can you drive?.... help me be moving the car small small I will meet you in front”
“osi gini?.... I should drive your taxi?.... I should be moving your taxi?”
“Yes aunty, shebi you can drive…. Please aunty”

Next thing the guy is jumping out of the cab and I am jumping into the driver seat of a yellow cab in a hold up in Lagos in broad day light!
Oh me God! I began to laugh at myself….
As I moved the cab forward…. I heard a few people in other cars begin to laugh and snigger…
One guy on the road side called out ‘Taxi … Oshodi’ at me….. Didinrin!
Would you believe I had barely moved the car two feet when my phone began to ring,
“Tyger is that you?”
“What happened to good morning, I thought….
“Is that me where? I asked innocently.
“This is Jumoke and I can see someone that looks like you driving a yellow cab”
“A woman driving a yellow cab?... how can? I replied laughing.
“In fact it is you, I am sure…. Why now, where is the driver?”
“lol…. Please there is lastma down the road… biko I have to go”

I moved the cab some more and the phone rings again…. Stupidly I pick again.
“Hello Tyger, good morning”
Ah someone else with some more manners.
“This is Bolaji, are you the one I can see driving a taxi?”

Suddenly the whole world can see me!!!!
The day I was cruising my friend’s ‘end of discussion’ and the day I drove another friend’s lovely convertible, nobody saw me…. Not a soul called my phone to say ‘babe I can see you, you are tight o’…. but I start the engine of a yellow cab and my phone is going haywire on me…. God dey!!

Anyway, I drove the cab some more before the cab driver came running, grinning from ear to ear.
“Aunty, Thank you, I don come o”

So I go back to my back seat, my chick rep in tatters…. After driving a yellow cab in broad daylight!

Completing Sentences

I am …short-sighted
My ex-boyfriend was …a consultant (like me!)
Maybe I should …resign (yeah I’m a lazy arse, say wharrever you like)
I love …chocolates (I don’t even wanna share!...that’s how much)
I don't understand..... Financials, I think I’ve said that before somewhere
I lost my.... contact lens (and so I’m in this goggles)
My current boyfriend is …incognito (didn’t you see my advert?)
People say I'm ….weird
Love is …a bully, takes you into a dark corner when no one is looking and beats the shit outta you!
Somewhere, someone is…deliriously happy
I will always... love books
Forever is.... beyond my comprehension
I never want to… be ill
I think the current President is…. Strange looking
When I wake up in the morning…. I check the time duh!
Life is full of… surprises, good and nasty ones
My past is incredibly…. and annoyingly normal
I get annoyed when…. I’m kept waiting
Parties are for...fun
Girls are ...complex
Sex is…. Too much ado about little
I wish... I didn’t have to work (yeah say it again…. I’m a lazy child…You can’t move me on this one)
Tomorrow I'm going to….. babysit!
I really want some…. Food! I dey hungry jare
I have low tolerance for people who…. are cruel
If I had a million dollars... I would see the world and go shopping
My job makes me…. Mind-blowingly tired

My Advert - I need a Boyfriend

I am tired of waiting for the right man to come to me…. I am tired of paying attention to seemingly right men who later prove me wrong…. I am interested only in the right individuals and after much deliberation I have decided to put up an advert so that only men who fit this profile… men o… no boys abeg… should apply within. This advert is valid for only 2 weeks after posting.

I need a nice young man who can hug and cuddle on demand… who will be available for bonding sessions – sessions spent together in my place, his place, and wherever catches our fancy, who is willing to seat through a few mushy movies, call and receive calls incessantly and at odd hours, not older than 35, single, not weird, no tattoos… minimal bad habits… no present or future gay tendencies and with manageable emphasis on s..x’…

My Wall Quilt

An older cousin of mine made a wall quilt on which she inscribed ‘success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt hung on the wall in our sitting room. Everyday, I would go and stand by the wall to look up at the quilt. I would mouth it silently, sometimes I would even climb the single setter settee under the quilt to reach up and touch the quilt. I would trace the dark indigo threads of the inscription while still mouthing its message ‘Success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt was making a statement, it was not a prayer, a question, a hope or a suggestion, it was a statement of fact; a categorical sentence of certainty specific to me. My older cousin in her wisdom as an adult was not saying ‘ Tyger may be a success’ or ‘Success may come to Tyger’ or ‘Tyger should be a success’ or even ‘Success awaits You’ with ‘You being anyone reading the quilt.
She was saying as a matter of fact that ‘Success awaits Tyger’. In my young mind, my cousin being an adult must know….and yes she knew…. And was saying because she knew ’Success specifically awaited Me’ it was waiting for ‘me’ out there and all I had to do was grow up, reach out and touch success.
So I believed the message on my quilt and everyday as the dark blue thread of the inscription faded and even broke in places from age and constant caress, my belief grew stronger.
I thought, I believed it, I lived it, I acted it, I talked it, and I worked and made every effort with the constant awareness that ‘Success awaits Tyger’
My success was a certainty and nothing could take this from me. This did not encourage me to lie back and relax in a ‘let it come to me’ attitude rather it fuelled my desire to be, to live a life of achievement, to rise above challenges, to fall 6 times and rise 7 times.
How can I stay down when success awaits me probably around the next corner? I desired, wished to prove my quilt right and despite the fact that all the threads of my quilt came off and my blue wall hanging ended its life in the waste bin, its stitches are permanently sewn in my mind influencing the workings of it.
‘Success awaits Tyger’

Rules of Engagement - Part 2

The rest of the rules...

9.
We still like some modern chivalry!(all that women liberation /chivalry is dead thing is not all true… right? There are just a few women out there messing it up for the rest of us who really do like to have doors held open for us). So be a gentleman - Open the door for her, find out what she wants to eat and order it for her. For example, "She'll have the savoury rice with chicken in tomato sauce."
When walking through crowds, walk slightly ahead and make the way for her.
Walk on the side of the curb when walking streetside.
All these will come together to affect the overall image of you. We don’t expect it but we so love it when we get it.

10.
While still on the ‘chivalry is not dead’ lane, Accept and pay for the bill. Obey the rule of who pays - the man. I have placed a fullstop after ‘the man’ to say basically 'no story'; don’t argue it.
You can't go dutch with a woman you fancy… never! Unless she is caught and reeled in. To hell with women's liberation; that is one gift the women left unwrapped. If you are the man, and I am sure you know how to tell, you will be footing the bill, unless otherwise arranged before the date.

11.
Don't drink too much on a date. Of course, you're nervous, but when you drink too much, you will be sloppy and say stupid things, and we don’t really want to end up with a lush or know from the first date we are gonna be loving a lush.

12.
If you are going to pay a compliment, be sincere (‘you look nice’ is no compliment it is general… ‘I like your shoes’ or ‘your hair looks good’ are both better… they are specific) and don't focus so much on the physical it might set off the alarms… you don’t have to make it so obvious where you are gunning for… brodas keep in mind that it is easy to be impressed with a man that is impressed with you.

13.
Don't talk about your ex, her ex, your mother, or your medications if you are on any. Sympathy won’t get you anywhere yet because we don’t care that much yet… on the first date.

14.
If you are going to be funny, be funny without being crude… it is an art … however, with some ladies, it might be okay… its your show…

Now let’s assume, the first date was a success –

15.
If you say you will call… please do so. If you don't, you're a liar and a jerk - expect to be treated like one. Make the call the next day or two days later, 3 days or more is bull!

16.
When you make the first call, please introduce yourself, do not expect her to automatically remember you; this call is a casual call and should not last beyond 10 minutes; you may at this time express your intent to call again later in the week with plans for a date.

17.
If you decide to do a second, third and fourth date, then note that our sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers are off-limits…. We will not totally forgive you if you go there.

18.
And our best friend is a no-no too!

Rules of Engagement - Part 1

Boorish Male drew up a rule of engagement from the guys to the girls some days back and I have waited for him, even encouraged him to write something from the sistas to the guys….
However it seems Boorish has so far been unable to get into our skins and see where it hurts…. Lol…..so I’m helping him. Unfortunately there are more rules to the ladies… we get wahala!

Note: These rules apply only to a man woman relationship, dating in any other form is not catered for by these rules, and if you choose to modify them to meet your bizarre needs, you are totally on your own

1.
Firstly, Sex changes every rule. Any form of sexual alliance may in some cases modify the rules.
2.
Every rule has an exception or two or three.
3.
Never be late for a date…. Never, ever for a first day, we will not appreciate it nor respect you for it and excuses make it worse. Call before hand if you cannot avoid being late and if you don’t show up at all don’t expect a second chance…although you might get one (we are mad that way)
4.
Dress nicely – we notice… and as nasty as this may sound it is true – we love to accessorize and show off…. and whether she'll admit it to you or not, you are an accessory. Other women will judge her on her choice. A clean, good-smelling man with well-fitting clothes is a real prize.
5.
Make conversation – there is nothing that makes it work for us more than someone who can climb on our wavelength…

6.
Remember our interests - Unless we have professed a fanatical love of sports, don't think of having the date in a sports bars where you can then watch a game over dinner and have a half hearted dinner – (ko le work!)
7.
Looking at other women in the course of a date is an offence punishable by date death… so darling, make eye contact… a lot. And smile - in a friendly way. Please don't leer…
8.
Be you. Don’t try to impress us with tales of big money, kicking someone's butt, or fast cars, we will see through you and that will put a chip in all the impression you are trying to make… even if we are impressionable by these things, don’t try so hard, if its there we will see it.