The Camera man

I went to church today.. for a mid week service... first this year (dont even say anything) and it was good... but why am i here talking about this?

In my church and i think in a lot of churches, the sermon is usually filmed.

So someone was filming...and projecting it behind pastor... something i find quite distracting cos sometimes i watch out for myself - like... no show me o... no show me o abeg!... okay show me small!

Anyway, i was sitting there, the pastor came on... cameras were rolling and pastor trying to warm up the church said 'if you are with me, give me your most beautiful smile... so i kinda cocked my head to one side and decided to give my yahoozy grin instead... next thing the whole church was laughing... what's funny?... somebody tell me...
then i see i'm on the screen... i'm the reason they are laffing!
the mofo cameraman decided to project my 'yahoozee grin' on the screen!

to say i was embarrassed is quite an understatement! how can a whole church be laughing at my grin?... it is not funny business at all...

Then we settle down for the sermon that lasted exactly one hour (i almost died in fact) and somehow through it i saw flashes of my cardigan on the screen again...

so i tried to keep a straight face through the service...

Service ends and i rush for the door... guess what?
someone comes up to me and said 'you should buy today's sermon tape'
i said 'yeah yeah, it was a good one'
'you were on it so frequently, is the camera guy your friend or something?'
wha! wetin you talk? on it frequently ke?.. i saw flashes once or twice...

honestly you were

Okay... i replied... kinda lost now...

i make it to the door and then this lady smiles at me...
i smile back... 'you must have had fun today!' she said , 'you laffed so much'

'may 200 camels fart in the face of this camera man! which kind tory be this na!'

Passive-aggressive people

I don't understand why oyinbo people (this time i include everybody that is NOT black) are so passive aggressive... one of the nastier parts of being a student is having to do projects... na so so projects...small ones, big ones... assessed ones, unassessed ones... and the worst part is a good number of them are team projects.

Teacher - guys, this term, we have 2 projects to turn in and they are both team based projects (we?... which one be we? you no go write na!)... so you should choose partners - groups of 3 to 5, not more.. your write up will of course be separate please.

ahw! we don start again... this is why i like naija o... school is simple...
go to class...
copy note endlessly,
jollof...
exam time...
cram everything in your note...
finish! you don pass!...

but this place as you are doing project you are doing seminar as you are doing seminar you are doing workshop.... wahala!..... pshew!

Anyway i digress....

Before the lecturer even commot for class, na so this chinkanchwin run come meet me (no fall down o! tyger no fit carry person!)....

Chinkanchwin - Tyger, do you wanna be in our team, Jin jin (i swear na the name be that o) Periwaina (honest na them names)and i are forming a group for the project.

Tyg - okay make we do am...


Meeting after meeting com begin... na 5 page write up o, but them go wan discuss every line... and half way through the meetings i realise these girls practically hate each other...

Why you com form group na?.... this is what i call passive aggressive behaviour....

Through the meetings they proceed to attack each other... tacitly... jejely... without noise... sabotaging each other... they leave each other out of meeting schedules... mistakenly delete each other's work... tell lecturer your team member no dey interested... all the while them dey smile each other... awon oloshi...

Na wa o! i know understand all these people... why you na form group?.... i still dont understand...

Now Tyg dey the middle of it all

Periwaina take it easy, no bite Jinjin... Jinjin calm down... Periwaina didnt plan to leave you out of meeting schedule....

Abeg Chinkochwan no dey go jam lecturer behind team member backs again o! abi na!

I tire o!

Doubledecker toaster (part 2)

'So how is it going?' he said smiling at me. (please refer to part 1 if you are already confused).

'How is what going?' I'm thinking, so i just stare at him.

I mean your face is really familiar... do you live on Temple lane?

Ohmegod! i thought that line went out with the 90s! i looked around the bus, am i the only one hearing this?'

'No!' i now reply firmly.
'Okay then it must be the bus 344' he said nodding like a wise old man.
Osi gini?... what is all this na

i dont take the bus 344
i'm not even sure there is any such bus this side of london!..

'okay... but i'm sure i know you somehow and even if i dont i'd like to get to know you more better' he now said finishing smugly like he had just accomplished a feat.

you cant say ' more better' you cant speak English like that! now i really i'm screaming in my head.

'Say something' he prompted me, 'my name is Akeem! I'm from Nigeria!'

I so wish you would go away my mind voice says as rudely as it can

'I'm sorry, i don't want to have a conversation. i'm busy' i replied politely.

then he glanced down at my hand and saw the daily bible study.

Dear friends you would not believe what this guy did next!
' I know you are busy, but there is nothing God cannot do!, with God all things are possible'

i want to laugh! i want to laugh uproariously! but he will take it as encouragement so i turn to him with a straight face.

'No please'

'Okay can i have your phone number?' he persists

'No you cannot! i dont want to give you my number, please leave me alone!'

' i know there is nothing God cannot do , but its okay' and he shrugs and leaves.

The buses in london have become unsafe for a girl...

my doubledecker toaster

Yesterday morning i set out for school... i was running late,i've been doing this running late thing since school resumed this year. i still cant get myself back on the normal clock, so i wake up a tad late, do everything else in a rush and still miss all the right buses... i've even gone to school with my hair looking like the venue of a bloody chicken fight... this very term... bad start abi...pshew!

Anyway, i crammed some dry baguette in my mouth... swallowed coffee and ran out of my flat...dragging on my heavy jacket on the way.

As i approached the bus stop, this guy started grinning at me from afar like i was a long lost 20 pound bill!... ahah.. do i know this man?.. who be this? early momo, grinning like this?.. all the same, no biggy... some people like doing colour solidarity... but i didnt smile back o... his grin was too big for my liking...so i stuck my earphones in my ears... let Macy Gray do her thing...

The bus came less than a minute later... phew! i woulda missed it again if i had waited just a bit. i got on the bus...my favourite seat was empty... the one at the very front... on the upper deck... with all that leg space.. now Aretha Franklin is crooning in my ears.. i think today will be nice...i will get to class on time and my hair is looking peaceful...

In the spirit of my new year resolutions, i bring out my daily bible reading... make i read this thing... i have already missed so many days as the book just come from naija... and i am going to be a noice kid this year o... for all you playa haters out there...

verse for today - love your neighbours...

'Excuse me, can i seat here?' mr grinner is standing there, pointing at the seat beside me...

'sure' i nod " no follow me yarn this morning o...i never read this love your neighbour thing finish so no expect me to practice it yet. you look like a serial killer!'

i'll be right back guys...

it is probably me

These days i sense a change ....
a change in the morphology of who i am....
i walk down the street and wonder if that man is I
or maybe the lady in the blue scarf

if you see a child in knee high boots, left hand in a bag of potato chips it is probably I....

Or a lady in a black autumn coat, her kinky hair in communion with the drizzling rain... it is probably I....

Maybe a fella in a fedora... pulled to cover his eyes...
or the teenager in an ivory puffer pretending to be in the depths of winter...

Hey! or that old lady... intent on getting the best of the food shelf at Marks and Spencer... whao! could that be me?

What about that lady... the cappuchino colored one with an ipod molesting her ear drums... that could be me too!

I wonder which is Me?

Some strange things

Some strange things

Girls in mini skirts riding bicycles...

Boys in skin tight jeans... sagged... showing old ugly underwear...

Dogs with human intelligence at work...

Humans with dog intelligence ... necking in the tube...

Young men... rolling weed on a london bus...

Children shedding diapers for acts of astounding violence...

2pac in a 3 year old's body....

Many strange things