Tuesday, 29 January 2008

More Doubledecker stories

Personally i think it is high time i gave up on the buses and walked everywhere!
as i cant afford to buy a car and drive it to central london!...and forget i no fit ride bicycle in this london... do i want to die young? Nooooooooo! okay no more buses... i will walk from now on! and if you are wondering why i'm making this strange resolution half way into january... listen to tory!

Today i sat jejely in the upper deck, not my favourite front-of-the-bus-tourist seat (refer to doubledecker toaster if you are wondering) but just a good window seat where i could look down on what was available of the world.

But someone caught my eye, a young brown eyed lady... on second thoughts no be lady... woman... girl... wharrever, in a black coat, grey jeans, black socks, gold shoes, purple cardigan and red gloves! sitting across the aisle from me. Now it is not the colour clashing ensemble that I found amazing (that's pretty normal around here, e no dey shock me again) but what she was doing.

She brought out a huge compact mirror (nothing compact about it) from her blue bag and openned it in her lap, then she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of her nose. (okay now - i thought). then she stuck the finger into her mouth again and brought out a little more wet stuff and rubbed on her cheek! ahah! this mofo dey take saliva baff inside bus?
then she repeated the action, and rubbed on her upper lip! this oloriede kept this up till i got off the bus - 7 stops later... she kept rubbing saliva over a little bit of her face one at a time... meticulously!

What is all this na! early morning like this?...dem chase you commot for house you no get chance baff?... if you wan baff you no fit buy bottled water?...

Ah ha! ito! saliva! on your face! eranko ni mofo yi (this mofo is an animal) to say i was disgusted was an understatement yet i managed to laugh uproariously before i got off the bus....


Like i said before i no dey take double decker again!

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

I think you should know....

1. You should never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth.. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22.Never lick a steak knife.

23. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

27. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

28. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

29. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers..

30. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

And before you think I'm genius... i did get this from somewhere... ain't telling you where though... yeah plagiarism wharrever.. you like this stuff don't you? lol

Saturday, 19 January 2008

Doubledecker toaster (part 2)

'So how is it going?' he said smiling at me. (please refer to part 1 if you are already confused).

'How is what going?' I'm thinking, so i just stare at him.

I mean your face is really familiar... do you live on Temple lane?

Ohmegod! i thought that line went out with the 90s! i looked around the bus, am i the only one hearing this?'

'No!' i now reply firmly.
'Okay then it must be the bus 344' he said nodding like a wise old man.
Osi gini?... what is all this na

i dont take the bus 344
i'm not even sure there is any such bus this side of london!..

'okay... but i'm sure i know you somehow and even if i dont i'd like to get to know you more better' he now said finishing smugly like he had just accomplished a feat.

you cant say ' more better' you cant speak English like that! now i really i'm screaming in my head.

'Say something' he prompted me, 'my name is Akeem! I'm from Nigeria!'

I so wish you would go away my mind voice says as rudely as it can

'I'm sorry, i don't want to have a conversation. i'm busy' i replied politely.

then he glanced down at my hand and saw the daily bible study.

Dear friends you would not believe what this guy did next!
' I know you are busy, but there is nothing God cannot do!, with God all things are possible'

i want to laugh! i want to laugh uproariously! but he will take it as encouragement so i turn to him with a straight face.

'No please'

'Okay can i have your phone number?' he persists

'No you cannot! i dont want to give you my number, please leave me alone!'

' i know there is nothing God cannot do , but its okay' and he shrugs and leaves.

The buses in london have become unsafe for a girl...

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

my doubledecker toaster

Yesterday morning i set out for school... i was running late,i've been doing this running late thing since school resumed this year. i still cant get myself back on the normal clock, so i wake up a tad late, do everything else in a rush and still miss all the right buses... i've even gone to school with my hair looking like the venue of a bloody chicken fight... this very term... bad start abi...pshew!

Anyway, i crammed some dry baguette in my mouth... swallowed coffee and ran out of my flat...dragging on my heavy jacket on the way.

As i approached the bus stop, this guy started grinning at me from afar like i was a long lost 20 pound bill!... ahah.. do i know this man?.. who be this? early momo, grinning like this?.. all the same, no biggy... some people like doing colour solidarity... but i didnt smile back o... his grin was too big for my liking...so i stuck my earphones in my ears... let Macy Gray do her thing...

The bus came less than a minute later... phew! i woulda missed it again if i had waited just a bit. i got on the bus...my favourite seat was empty... the one at the very front... on the upper deck... with all that leg space.. now Aretha Franklin is crooning in my ears.. i think today will be nice...i will get to class on time and my hair is looking peaceful...

In the spirit of my new year resolutions, i bring out my daily bible reading... make i read this thing... i have already missed so many days as the book just come from naija... and i am going to be a noice kid this year o... for all you playa haters out there...

verse for today - love your neighbours...

'Excuse me, can i seat here?' mr grinner is standing there, pointing at the seat beside me...

'sure' i nod " no follow me yarn this morning o...i never read this love your neighbour thing finish so no expect me to practice it yet. you look like a serial killer!'

i'll be right back guys...

Friday, 4 January 2008

This year 2008

This 2008... its gonna be fly....
i'm gonna eat breakfast before 12 noon and dinner before 10pm
i'll keep in touch with all my great friends and remember all birthdays
i'll pay my tithes on time and go to church midweek and sundays
this year is sure gonna be fly...

i'll love the library a little more, and Zara's a little less
i'm gonna chase down a good job, not that gold and blue shoe at Faith's
i'll even turn in my essays way before they are due...
let me tell you this year's gonna be fly

i wont do stalking or call any dude endlessly
i wont do no loving unless he loves me first...
so i'll give that quiet dude a chance and stop saying its too weird
this year i'm gonna fall in love... and stay in love...
no falling out... no saying good bye
this year... up there...fly!

ohhhhh... i love 2008 already!