Friday, 27 June 2008

Tyger in the convent's shadow

I now live in a convent... what is hmmm? hen? you think i'm not holy enough? or i like boys pass?... no talk like that jo... i am now living in a convent... simple...

okay as a boarder! lol

for economic and aesthetic reasons, tyger has taken up board in this beautiful convent that runs a foyer for young ladies...

leave story.. them go look your face well.. say you no get devil spirit or look, no come spoil the daughters of mary wey dey inside...
anyway, to all you player haters... dem look my face... dem like am... dey give me room for 500 dollars a month! breakfast thrown in ... cheapest shit in this side of the

but.. you know as my mind dey work... i look all the sisters (dem no be like all those sisters we dey get for secondary school wey dey bitter and wicked o) dem all dey serene, and sweet... all atleast 60 years old ... and i dey think .... these people no dey do! chei! at all at all! chei!married to Jesus!

i know no o...
i ask one of them i say Sister Eliza, how long you being married to Jesus? she say 41 years my daughter!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, mo gbe... that place don close...

i no be like all of you na devil pikins, wey go dey talk say them nuns they sneak go 'do'...

you suppose see these people... you go know say 'do' no dey their body... wahala!... lol..

i still dey think am o...

if you love Jesus reach that kind put up your hand...
yeye girls and boys!

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

will i become like them?

Tyger has moved location again... and right now i'm in Europe, hiding away in some international organisation...pretending to

When i was going to start here, i said to myself 'you have to dress well in this place o ha!' so like a headless chicken i ran to the stores again... and if you say anything about 'excuse to shop' i will slap you!.

Anyway, i resumed work in my nice 'half of one month's allowance suit' and looking good. in less than 6 hours i became aware of certain appalling facts.

1. these people dont do nothing - 30mins breakfast, 1 hour lunch... numerous breaks here and there ... there is actually a huge lounge for hobnobbing... and they all run home on the bendy bus 8.

2. it is a ministry! imagine ministry of health osogbo osun state or ministry of sports ibadan, now transport all those people to switzerland and give them tags to wear.

3. they are the worst dressers in the world... ohmegosh! i want to faint 10 times!...i'm not talking colour riot londoner kinda dressing o... that one can be artsy sometimes... i'm talking painful-bad-arse-terrible-give-you-an-headache-bad dressing.

in case you think Tyger don come again... exaggerating
here goes

1. ankara tucked inside levis 101 jeans.
2. trainers on nylon gown
3. bold print on strip trousers
4. pink waist coat, white trouser, puke green silk shirt and it was a guy!
5. knicker boggers!

its like they are stuck in 1985 and forgot to come out.... the women wear perms and rayon gowns... i try not to laugh... i was tempted to take pictures yesterday when i saw someone with his vest tucked into short knicker and a brigh peacock drawn on it waistcoat! what the...? awon mofo yi wanna kill me...

i know the pay is not what people on the outside love to think it is ... but men! it CANNOT BE THIS BAD NA!...

My fear has gone from not dressing well... to worrying that in a few days this people will not look funny any more and in a few weeks they will be normal looking and in two months they will start looking pretty... and then... i will be dressing like them? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

a letter to their association

sometimes last year, a girlfriend got shot by armed robbers! for not exiting her car fast enough for them to steal.

They were going from car to car… and shooting everybody… shooting! What did they want exactly? Why couldn’t they just take the cars, the money and the jewelry? I’m sure nobody would resist them… Nigerians are now wise and very cooperative with these angels of death or should I say demons of death… cos heaven has nothing to do with this.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs… scream till I’m hoarse ‘TAKE EVERYTHING AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE!’ I wish they had an association, a representative body cos I would write them a letter. I would say

‘Dear Armed robbers and killers association of Nigeria, Lagos branch,

We know that you will rob us, that you will take from us what we have earned through hard labour, sweat and many hours of working late and on weekends.

We know, but we also know that nemesis will catch up with you! That one day your reign of terror will be over and we will fill the prisons with your filth and we will not practice social welfare in there! This is not the United Kingdom.

We will make your life hell for the many years of torment you have given us and employ every form of bureaucracy to ensure you serve your sentence twice over! Maybe even trice!.. if someone like me is in power… by then!

We know that you will snatch from us… but we ask that you snatch property… material things… please do not snatch our souls… do not take that which cannot be replaced… do not rob us and rob generations to come of wonderful mothers and fathers, of leaders; do not deprive the people at home of the hero in their lives… no matter how tired and burnt out we look, we are somebody’s hero and even for you we are the goose that lays the golden egg.

If you kill us all, who will you rob tomorrow?… think of these things carefully when you rob us. Do not kill your golden goose or gander… killing us adds no value to you, no monetary value, no benefit… zilch…

I’m aware that killing us might bring you some utility, some happiness… but it is transient and misplaced… you are happy because you think you have killed an oppressor! How foolish you are! Your oppressors ride in motorcades and have body guards… they oppress you and us! And use your brothers and sisters as their bodyguards. So your joy is misplaced, your utility is misdirected and our deaths uncalled for… can’t you see? Don’t you understand?… we are the evidence that you can also crawl out of the hole!… we are the result of hope, hard work and perseverance! It is possible our very existence tells you. Can’t you see that?
Oh I forgot! your face is covered with a pair of black socks! You cannot see anything!

All I say is this, leave us alone, take what you want but do not take our lives, you should be grateful that at least we accept your presence… for now’.

The main market for scrap metals was closed the week before so ‘all the boys’ have nothing to sell, no money to eat and so they are angry! So ?...

I so hate misdirected efforts… take your crude guns and marijuana induced anger and head to the state house, house of assembly.. the senate… take your anger to the right place… don’t come and shoot us and take the toys given to us by those who enslaved us in the name of work.

We get sacked too, laid off, after the organisational review by those smooth talking consultants! We don’t run around naked pulling out our hair and biting people… we try again! At something else.

I do not say it is good, that some people are hungry, unemployed or have nowhere to sleep… I do not say it is fair that there is so much inequality and so few opportunities that we all have to scramble for, but listen to me carefully; it doesn’t give you the right to kill…

Although this highly opinionated letter of mine is just a letter but i do hope it turns into a prayer of some sorts and may all my wishes for you in it come true.

With no Regards,