Friday, 13 July 2007

Completing Sentences

I am …short-sighted
My ex-boyfriend was …a consultant (like me!)
Maybe I should …resign (yeah I’m a lazy arse, say wharrever you like)
I love …chocolates (I don’t even wanna share!...that’s how much)
I don't understand..... Financials, I think I’ve said that before somewhere
I lost my.... contact lens (and so I’m in this goggles)
My current boyfriend is …incognito (didn’t you see my advert?)
People say I'm ….weird
Love is …a bully, takes you into a dark corner when no one is looking and beats the shit outta you!
Somewhere, someone is…deliriously happy
I will always... love books
Forever is.... beyond my comprehension
I never want to… be ill
I think the current President is…. Strange looking
When I wake up in the morning…. I check the time duh!
Life is full of… surprises, good and nasty ones
My past is incredibly…. and annoyingly normal
I get annoyed when…. I’m kept waiting
Parties are
Girls are ...complex
Sex is…. Too much ado about little
I wish... I didn’t have to work (yeah say it again…. I’m a lazy child…You can’t move me on this one)
Tomorrow I'm going to….. babysit!
I really want some…. Food! I dey hungry jare
I have low tolerance for people who…. are cruel
If I had a million dollars... I would see the world and go shopping
My job makes me…. Mind-blowingly tired

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

My Advert - I need a Boyfriend

I am tired of waiting for the right man to come to me…. I am tired of paying attention to seemingly right men who later prove me wrong…. I am interested only in the right individuals and after much deliberation I have decided to put up an advert so that only men who fit this profile… men o… no boys abeg… should apply within. This advert is valid for only 2 weeks after posting.

I need a nice young man who can hug and cuddle on demand… who will be available for bonding sessions – sessions spent together in my place, his place, and wherever catches our fancy, who is willing to seat through a few mushy movies, call and receive calls incessantly and at odd hours, not older than 35, single, not weird, no tattoos… minimal bad habits… no present or future gay tendencies and with manageable emphasis on s..x’…

My Wall Quilt

An older cousin of mine made a wall quilt on which she inscribed ‘success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt hung on the wall in our sitting room. Everyday, I would go and stand by the wall to look up at the quilt. I would mouth it silently, sometimes I would even climb the single setter settee under the quilt to reach up and touch the quilt. I would trace the dark indigo threads of the inscription while still mouthing its message ‘Success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt was making a statement, it was not a prayer, a question, a hope or a suggestion, it was a statement of fact; a categorical sentence of certainty specific to me. My older cousin in her wisdom as an adult was not saying ‘ Tyger may be a success’ or ‘Success may come to Tyger’ or ‘Tyger should be a success’ or even ‘Success awaits You’ with ‘You being anyone reading the quilt.
She was saying as a matter of fact that ‘Success awaits Tyger’. In my young mind, my cousin being an adult must know….and yes she knew…. And was saying because she knew ’Success specifically awaited Me’ it was waiting for ‘me’ out there and all I had to do was grow up, reach out and touch success.
So I believed the message on my quilt and everyday as the dark blue thread of the inscription faded and even broke in places from age and constant caress, my belief grew stronger.
I thought, I believed it, I lived it, I acted it, I talked it, and I worked and made every effort with the constant awareness that ‘Success awaits Tyger’
My success was a certainty and nothing could take this from me. This did not encourage me to lie back and relax in a ‘let it come to me’ attitude rather it fuelled my desire to be, to live a life of achievement, to rise above challenges, to fall 6 times and rise 7 times.
How can I stay down when success awaits me probably around the next corner? I desired, wished to prove my quilt right and despite the fact that all the threads of my quilt came off and my blue wall hanging ended its life in the waste bin, its stitches are permanently sewn in my mind influencing the workings of it.
‘Success awaits Tyger’

Monday, 9 July 2007

Rules of Engagement - Part 2

The rest of the rules...

We still like some modern chivalry!(all that women liberation /chivalry is dead thing is not all true… right? There are just a few women out there messing it up for the rest of us who really do like to have doors held open for us). So be a gentleman - Open the door for her, find out what she wants to eat and order it for her. For example, "She'll have the savoury rice with chicken in tomato sauce."
When walking through crowds, walk slightly ahead and make the way for her.
Walk on the side of the curb when walking streetside.
All these will come together to affect the overall image of you. We don’t expect it but we so love it when we get it.

While still on the ‘chivalry is not dead’ lane, Accept and pay for the bill. Obey the rule of who pays - the man. I have placed a fullstop after ‘the man’ to say basically 'no story'; don’t argue it.
You can't go dutch with a woman you fancy… never! Unless she is caught and reeled in. To hell with women's liberation; that is one gift the women left unwrapped. If you are the man, and I am sure you know how to tell, you will be footing the bill, unless otherwise arranged before the date.

Don't drink too much on a date. Of course, you're nervous, but when you drink too much, you will be sloppy and say stupid things, and we don’t really want to end up with a lush or know from the first date we are gonna be loving a lush.

If you are going to pay a compliment, be sincere (‘you look nice’ is no compliment it is general… ‘I like your shoes’ or ‘your hair looks good’ are both better… they are specific) and don't focus so much on the physical it might set off the alarms… you don’t have to make it so obvious where you are gunning for… brodas keep in mind that it is easy to be impressed with a man that is impressed with you.

Don't talk about your ex, her ex, your mother, or your medications if you are on any. Sympathy won’t get you anywhere yet because we don’t care that much yet… on the first date.

If you are going to be funny, be funny without being crude… it is an art … however, with some ladies, it might be okay… its your show…

Now let’s assume, the first date was a success –

If you say you will call… please do so. If you don't, you're a liar and a jerk - expect to be treated like one. Make the call the next day or two days later, 3 days or more is bull!

When you make the first call, please introduce yourself, do not expect her to automatically remember you; this call is a casual call and should not last beyond 10 minutes; you may at this time express your intent to call again later in the week with plans for a date.

If you decide to do a second, third and fourth date, then note that our sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers are off-limits…. We will not totally forgive you if you go there.

And our best friend is a no-no too!

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Rules of Engagement - Part 1

Boorish Male drew up a rule of engagement from the guys to the girls some days back and I have waited for him, even encouraged him to write something from the sistas to the guys….
However it seems Boorish has so far been unable to get into our skins and see where it hurts…. Lol… I’m helping him. Unfortunately there are more rules to the ladies… we get wahala!

Note: These rules apply only to a man woman relationship, dating in any other form is not catered for by these rules, and if you choose to modify them to meet your bizarre needs, you are totally on your own

Firstly, Sex changes every rule. Any form of sexual alliance may in some cases modify the rules.
Every rule has an exception or two or three.
Never be late for a date…. Never, ever for a first day, we will not appreciate it nor respect you for it and excuses make it worse. Call before hand if you cannot avoid being late and if you don’t show up at all don’t expect a second chance…although you might get one (we are mad that way)
Dress nicely – we notice… and as nasty as this may sound it is true – we love to accessorize and show off…. and whether she'll admit it to you or not, you are an accessory. Other women will judge her on her choice. A clean, good-smelling man with well-fitting clothes is a real prize.
Make conversation – there is nothing that makes it work for us more than someone who can climb on our wavelength…

Remember our interests - Unless we have professed a fanatical love of sports, don't think of having the date in a sports bars where you can then watch a game over dinner and have a half hearted dinner – (ko le work!)
Looking at other women in the course of a date is an offence punishable by date death… so darling, make eye contact… a lot. And smile - in a friendly way. Please don't leer…
Be you. Don’t try to impress us with tales of big money, kicking someone's butt, or fast cars, we will see through you and that will put a chip in all the impression you are trying to make… even if we are impressionable by these things, don’t try so hard, if its there we will see it.

Monday, 2 July 2007

101 Things

Bang! we are in the month of July... and i'm starting off this month by telling my peeps 101 things about me (yeah yeah i dont do round figures...there has to be that extra 1 to kill the mediocrity)...
So here goes
Have fun

101 things about Me

1. I like my second name more than my first name and I'm still trying to adjust to my Christian name which I think is so un-me.
2. I like cooking and watching others eat what I have cooked
3. I eat in small portions and will rather snack on my food
4. I bore easily
5. I take a long time making up my mind then changing it is so tough, you’ll end up thinking I’m mega mean or mega tough.
6. I cried when I watched ‘Hotel Rwanda’
7. I cried when I read “The Concubine"
8. I cry when I watch movies about the holocaust (No one knows this until now... yea tell the world, whatever rocks your boat)
9. I always wish I could do things myself (I just feel no one can do it better regardless that I have to talk myself into getting it done.)
10. There is something about my body guys can’t seem to get over… irritating sometimes
11. I wish secretly to fall in love (and know while I’m in it not after my heart is broken)
12. Sometimes I love being alone in my house
13. I love chocolates & ice Cream (and I luckily have no missing teeth yet)
14. I'm somewhere between 5.5 feet and 5.6 feet but nobody believes it cos I look shorter
15. I’m short –sighted
16. I get lost in my thoughts all the time
17. I analyze everything
18. I love to see people in Love, and I love the whole idea of love, I have a LTCD (long term commitment Disorder) and it scares me … aint women supposed to want to be in it forever.
19. I have an awesome memory and say awesome all the time
20. I wake up slow and perk up as the hours fly and by 5pm I'm in full swing.
21. I forgive people easily and forget the actual crime, however, I rarely forget the pain and I’m wary after that
22. I think bearing a grudge is a whole lot of effort
23. I like to debate a lot (about everything, and I mean everything)
24. I fantasize about me on a distant beach/Island with music playing, trees swaying and my white skirt bellowing… I’m always in white in that fantasy
25. I love Denzel Washington….I think he's gorgeous
26. I love babies for about 15 minutes after meeting them then I start wondering what the hulla ballo is all about
27. I love driving fast
28. I like justifying everything
29. I plan to keep a wild cat (like a tiger) cos it reminds me of myself a lot
30. I butt- watch – strictly guys though
31. I people watch
32. I have dreams of my flying without wings…. I run powerfully for a short distance and then lift off like something from x-men especially when I'm escaping from terrible monsters - still can't figure out why they are attracted to me.
33. I knew how to drive in my dream long before I learnt how to drive. Always getting into strange cars in my dream and driving off
34. I love a guy with a great dentition (just can’t help it)
35. I don't like people interpreting stuff and saying light 2million candles and read 5billion Psalms.
36. I don't drink but sometimes I wanna smoke….
37. I love the smell of cigarettes and better still scented cigars…
38. I hate been told what to do like it’s a bloody command
39. I hate been idle… it gets me thinking loony.
40. I have some really weird thoughts…. Would never share them I think.
41. I finished reading the bible once Gen - Rev, and I got the Holy Ghost awareness … I think its fading though
42. Sometimes I have dreams and I'm blind in them and struggling to get my eyesight back (no wonder I wear glasses)
43. I’m annoyingly generous
44. Despite that, I’m so bloody self-centered
45. God! I love myself. (Yea, blow me)
46. I tend to be arrogant in a very polite way (how's that?)
47. I hate offending people by default (but don't push me)
48. I once thought Santa Claus was real.
49. I write novels, started writing when I was 9 by that time everybody was tired of listening to my never ending stories.
50. I missed been a child… it was a wunnaful experience
51. I like reading weird books about nothing especially by British authors… I think they have a quirky sense of humor
52. I like reading…. All and everything except serious stuff like political books or histories
53. Aint shy one bit
54. I love buying shoes; I've never had enough… never will
55. I used to see things when I was younger… not anymore don't know whether that's good.
56. I dream things before they happen
57. I freaked out my siblings with my dreams
58. My new hobby is blogging and blog surfing... i'm so addicted!

59. I love soppy romantic movies (yeah warrever!)
60. I think I'm going to end up with someone totally different from me!
61. I conceal my weaknesses
62. I have been accused of having eyes that promise and promise.. you looking at them now... what you think?
63. I laugh when I watch funny movies… you’re thinking who doesn’t?... you’ll be shocked.
64. I don't watch horror movies I can't see the point- why get scared over what's make belief)
65. I love dogs
66. I hate noisy and dirty environment
67. I love heights
68. I’m a sucker for confident kind men
69. I had my first kiss when I was 17 years and a few weeks and it just got me all confused and weird)
70. I’m annoyingly cynical
71. I used to chew my nails
72. I hate it when people make me act crazy towards them (stop making me hate myself…ggrrrrhhhh)
73. I had my first crush on a guy called Babatunde who left for the US shortly after we got talking
74. I hope to live in a village in Spain and write… or Rio de Janeiro
75. I love taking sugared drinks, I'm soft on sprite and currently working on my sugar intake
76. I'm genotype AA and blood group B+
77. I tried learning how to mastubate…couldn't make sense of it though
78. I was a sickly child and almost coughed myself to death
79. I was born premature about 6 weeks ahead of time
80. I love being independent (being doing that since I was 10)
81. I love dancing... now that is not synonymous with I know how to dance… so don’t go assuming
82. I can’t be bothered with politics... Seriously
83. I'm simple and at the same time complicated and few people understand me well
84. I hate been cut off in the middle of a thought process
85. I love watching cartoons
86. Financials stump me
87. I love having a good laugh
89. I laugh everyday, regardless
90. I dream of the Ideal Relationship
91. I’m so so tired of my job
92. I can't be bothered about football.
93. I love fashion
94. I’m starting my own label soon
95. I love anything trendy
96. I have colour phases; I’m in a red phase now!
97. I love paintings, I have been touched by some seemingly weird ones
98. I love dressing up
99. And Gash! do I love perfumes
100. I day dream a lot
101. I adore me!