A Cynical Rant

These days I think a fake “holiness” abounds around me and people are just taking it too far... infact they are taking the mickey!

I used to be a very cynical person, not a pessimist mind you; just cynical... just not that trusting and somewhat “brutally” honest. I was considered a bit too cynical for my age by a lot of people but I worked on it and got better; between 2008 and 2010 I was sure I had it right... but now I think I have lost it again.

The very cynical thing inside me is awake and very angry at all the piss taking...  and just to tell you how cynical I am...

I don’t believe a lot of the things people tell me

I don’t trust 50% of the people I know

I an indifferent to 90% of them

I think you are worse than you make out and so will make allowances for you accordingly

I am fine believing you like me less than you act or think, you are not obliged to

I am not optimistic about most things

Overly cheerfulness pisses me off and

Overly ‘religiousness’ pisses me off even more

God is not on twitter, so I don’t appreciate twitter worship...infact I hate it

If you send me a “devotional” in my inbox – that, I appreciate and get, you want to minister to me

If you tweet your worship - I think you are silly!

If you tweet a word of encouragement to Christians or you put it up on facebook - that I also get, you are encouraging your brethren

If you tweet things like - God doesn’t need your Toyota to make you total - I hate you! cos that shit you wrote is not even biblical, its rhyming and it’s a creation of PR chasing Pentecostal pastors

As a rule - I distrust all Pentecostal Pastors.

If you are a pastor who has never served in a village or worked on a mission field - YINMU at you! Please don’t talk to me; you are here for the money!

I don’t think you should read your bible at work! No I don’t and if I am your boss and you do it, I will get you fired! You are not the only one with convictions here!

I rant at God sometimes, and sometimes I whisper to Him...I cajole him...I ask rhetorical questions...then I wonder at him...then I check on him... I knock and say “are you still there?”

Sometimes I am accusing - I know you are there; your silence doesn’t even fool me... This is all between me and God... so don’t preach at me about what I choose to discuss with Him...

I am very cynical now and you might want to take note when you send out those funny messages or you say those funny things to me....don’t take offense cos I don’t believe you or shout Amen.

Some things that make my colleague angry

A colleague of mine made a list of things that really make him angry and I found the list rather interesting... so I am putting it up for folks who still come here once in a while to read and find amusing like I found it amusing.. the ones in red annoy him the most!

• Virgin broadband - They wont let him download several terabytes a month
• His landlord - He wont unblock his drain
• Honey roast ham from Marks and Spencers - Its not as good as tescos, and he should be able to try before he buys
• Banks and monetary system
• Pension schemes -"I shouldn't have to think about this at my age"
• People that dont work and making money from interest - Ie rich landlords
• People that dont know the difference between a set and a list
• The air conditioning vents behind him - they are too cold, and he will catch something.
• PES2011 - "Why did they mess up this game"
• Capitalism (sort of covered by Banks and Monetary System && rich landlords but still needs saying)
• People that should be destroyed (can't really go further than this)
• Anyone announcing Franks sandwich apart from Frank
• The bat, the table tennis ball and the table tennis table
• Dinosaurs & reptiles -"They are for losers"
• Pint Glasses from the kitchen - "Why do they smell of egg?"
• Intellectual property - "Just because you have an idea, implement and patent/copyright it, does not make it yours"
• Social Housing - "Why doesnt the government provide cheap housing that will be yours if you live in it for 30 years (Non profit housing)
• Government Spending - "Why does the government spend money on wars in Afghanistan when they can't do social housing. Turkey is a poor 3rd world country and it has better housing than UK"
• Recycling - "It's for losers. Why recycle - so human race can f**k planet earth a little longer"

This and that

The economy must be picking up or God is super good to me.... or both!
Its true that when it rains it pours! i got 2 jobs in 2 months and somehow get to do both through some juggling and persuasion
3 days here and 2 days here - project manager and health and management consultant!
things can only get better - gbam!

House hunting
A studio flat?
A one bedroom apartment?
Flatshare?
Looking around!

Like a sickly baby, my business is hiccuping
I have little time, since i have decided to work two big jobs... thief like me
now it is faltering
all spare time and weekends are spent checking out clothing factories and having meetings with pattern graders, business advisers and agents!
I am tired! and worried! and conscious that the spring fashion season is around the corner! august! oh gosh whats a girl gonna do?


The lines have fallen upon me in pleasant places...
love has decided not to beat me up in dark alleys
but to hold me, cocoon me, caress and reassure me...
Still I am a bit petrified! .... here goes my freedom.... or maybe not?
H.Samuel, Weaverbrook and all the other jewelry stores have taken on a new fascination... i stare at rings!

My dad says to me - great things come in small packages - I believe him, but my colleagues stare at me and i have heard say - is that the new lady? Isnt she rather small and young? pshew
getover your selves and leave me to do my job!

I have suddenly picked up a culture of not finishing things... of lacking motivation...

there is a list on my wall and it goes undone...words like driving tests, prince 2 exams, pattern creation, manuscript summary fly in my face... unfinished.... unattended to *sigh*
whats a girl to do?

Unmotivated, birthdays and the sometimes feelings...

Last few days I have felt unmotivated.... to do anything... at all... my business is starting to suffer and for a start up that is bad... i am ignoring mails that require any real activity... yet the days are passing by...

its my birthday on Sunday and my friends are having a party for me... at first the idea delighted me but now i just want to run away a day before to come back a day after... I am dreading my own birthday cos i know i will be besieged with calls, text messages, emails and pokes... i should be delighted right? but somehow i am just filled with dread...thank God its a Sunday... a lot of people wont be at work...

sometimes i wonder if my super duper lover will stop being super duper... will this last forever is the question on my mind!

sometimes i think i'm jealous of my friend who started a similar career at the same time i did but when i broke off to get a masters she didnt and now the job market is all crazy, she is still gliding up the ladders, easy as pie...and sometimes i'm just jealous....

sometimes i think i dont miss anybody and sometimes i miss my peeps so much it hurts and i cry... like i did a few days ago...

i think i need to win a lottery... cos i need a lot of money right now... more like yesterday...

someone should please tell Copido to come back to blogsville... where is she?

I'm getting the blues this evening again!

Thankful

I am in a not so wonderful state of mind right now.... which i guess is why i havent been bothered to blog....

However, I have decided to be thankful by doing a thankful post.... i'm hoping that will elevate my frame of mind .... come with me

I am thankful

1. For the gift of life, for good health, peace, joy, hope and the grace to know God and his saving grace.

2. For my mother - she underwent an operation "which i wasnt told about till it was done" and it was successful - I am so grateful to God.

3.For my brother who was in Jos during the Jos killing crisis and came home unscathed... and fine

4. For the gift of friends - who have stood by me in the last 6 months, holding me up... loving me.. listening... encouraging.... providing....

4. For the inspiration to turn out my sketches for my 2009 collection and to work on finalising them

5. For the many job interviews I have done in this credit crunch time, I know one of them will come through

thats all I can think of for now.... things are kinda tough around here

See you guys!

Passive-aggressive people

I don't understand why oyinbo people (this time i include everybody that is NOT black) are so passive aggressive... one of the nastier parts of being a student is having to do projects... na so so projects...small ones, big ones... assessed ones, unassessed ones... and the worst part is a good number of them are team projects.

Teacher - guys, this term, we have 2 projects to turn in and they are both team based projects (we?... which one be we? you no go write na!)... so you should choose partners - groups of 3 to 5, not more.. your write up will of course be separate please.

ahw! we don start again... this is why i like naija o... school is simple...
go to class...
copy note endlessly,
jollof...
exam time...
cram everything in your note...
finish! you don pass!...

but this place as you are doing project you are doing seminar as you are doing seminar you are doing workshop.... wahala!..... pshew!

Anyway i digress....

Before the lecturer even commot for class, na so this chinkanchwin run come meet me (no fall down o! tyger no fit carry person!)....

Chinkanchwin - Tyger, do you wanna be in our team, Jin jin (i swear na the name be that o) Periwaina (honest na them names)and i are forming a group for the project.

Tyg - okay make we do am...


Meeting after meeting com begin... na 5 page write up o, but them go wan discuss every line... and half way through the meetings i realise these girls practically hate each other...

Why you com form group na?.... this is what i call passive aggressive behaviour....

Through the meetings they proceed to attack each other... tacitly... jejely... without noise... sabotaging each other... they leave each other out of meeting schedules... mistakenly delete each other's work... tell lecturer your team member no dey interested... all the while them dey smile each other... awon oloshi...

Na wa o! i know understand all these people... why you na form group?.... i still dont understand...

Now Tyg dey the middle of it all

Periwaina take it easy, no bite Jinjin... Jinjin calm down... Periwaina didnt plan to leave you out of meeting schedule....

Abeg Chinkochwan no dey go jam lecturer behind team member backs again o! abi na!

I tire o!

Speaking from behind a dope screen

It was a bad night...

Caffeine and a few other things not worth mentioning...

The sleep was bad ... the dream was worse...
nightmarish... all my fears came alive and spoke to me...

i was stranded on an island with my most annoying cousin

an island of muscular men - who were 3 foot tall...
and spoke a strange language... and laughed from their necks!

We all lived under the stairs...with the man that lived under the stairs!
since i was 5!

my home boy was dead... yet alive...
dying of bone racking cough...

My heart brother has a sore... in his leg...
and it is festering so badly...his toes are falling off!

My new interest forgot my name... and kept sneering at me...

I am banished to an island...

in the space between the roof and the ceiling...

dark and mysterious

and i can hear the voices...

ganjally speaking... caffeinerously thinking...

This is all blue...

I need to wake up...

I think its morning ... already!

More Doubledecker stories

Personally i think it is high time i gave up on the buses and walked everywhere!
as i cant afford to buy a car and drive it to central london!...and forget i no fit ride bicycle in this london... do i want to die young? Nooooooooo! okay no more buses... i will walk from now on! and if you are wondering why i'm making this strange resolution half way into january... listen to tory!

Today i sat jejely in the upper deck, not my favourite front-of-the-bus-tourist seat (refer to doubledecker toaster if you are wondering) but just a good window seat where i could look down on what was available of the world.

But someone caught my eye, a young brown eyed lady... on second thoughts no be lady... woman... girl... wharrever, in a black coat, grey jeans, black socks, gold shoes, purple cardigan and red gloves! sitting across the aisle from me. Now it is not the colour clashing ensemble that I found amazing (that's pretty normal around here, e no dey shock me again) but what she was doing.

She brought out a huge compact mirror (nothing compact about it) from her blue bag and openned it in her lap, then she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of her nose. (okay now - i thought). then she stuck the finger into her mouth again and brought out a little more wet stuff and rubbed on her cheek! ahah! this mofo dey take saliva baff inside bus?
then she repeated the action, and rubbed on her upper lip! this oloriede kept this up till i got off the bus - 7 stops later... she kept rubbing saliva over a little bit of her face one at a time... meticulously!

What is all this na! early morning like this?...dem chase you commot for house you no get chance baff?... if you wan baff you no fit buy bottled water?...

Ah ha! ito! saliva! on your face! eranko ni mofo yi (this mofo is an animal) to say i was disgusted was an understatement yet i managed to laugh uproariously before i got off the bus....

Madness!

Like i said before i no dey take double decker again!

I think you should know....

that...
1. You should never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth.. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22.Never lick a steak knife.

23. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

27. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

28. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

29. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers..

30. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


And before you think I'm genius... i did get this from somewhere... ain't telling you where though... yeah plagiarism wharrever.. you like this stuff don't you? lol

My wish list

I saw a wish list on Unnaked's spot and i'm making one too!

I wish that my brother would get that amazing job; he is searching so hard, i'm worrying so much...

that dodo will go where he wants to go and love it while he's there...

I wish to make someone deliriously happy, make that someone laugh, smile, sleep and wake up with a smile, a spring in step, a twinkle in the eyes...

i wish that someone will try to make me feel deliriously happy and loved

that love would find me and not take me into a dark alley this time... but into a sunny warm room.

I wish that i would finish my program with amazing grades,finish my many scribblings and push them into the light of day... and then say 'there! i've gone and done it now!'

I wish i could master the languages i'm struggling with and stop saying gracie when i want to say arriverderci!

I wish i would make new friends like the ones i've had before

I wish the naira would gain more value and and our leaders more conscience

I wish they would stop fighting in the middle east - and just give the rest of us a break!

First comer rights!

I've been foolish for so long...
cos i've had you right under my nose... but now i know....
that's its been you all this while....
so I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you, then i can have you .... back!

I met you first, twenty years ago... i should have first comer rights ... some form of priority...

Why you staying with her? she doesn't like your playstation and cant cook your favourite meal...
she thinks 'Die hard' is a dumb movie and wont sing along to Micheal Jackson's 'Beat it'

I hope the b..ch breaks up with you... then we can go back to us.
Remember that we agreed, that if we were single when one of us clocks 30 we would get married?
Oh you dont remember?.... forgot to tell you about that agreement i think... it was a silent one... a gentleman's agreement mind you, still as binding as any!

So you have a few more months to that and i hope you are single by then...

What is wrong with you anyway?
She's always screaming at you....

What is wrong with you na?
Cant you see through her?

She doesn't even like your mama and thinks you are childish to like ludo!

I'm your first kiss, even if it was slobbery and inside a wardrobe!
You told me everything... and I did too...

Don't you want to be with someone who knows you?
and accepts you exactly like you are?
your own niggy... since forever?

What is wrong with you man?
You refuse to use your eyes!

What is wrong with you dude?
Cant you see i care?

Have cared forever?
and all this pimping is for you?

Pshew! Life's a b...tch!

it is probably me

These days i sense a change ....
a change in the morphology of who i am....
i walk down the street and wonder if that man is I
or maybe the lady in the blue scarf

if you see a child in knee high boots, left hand in a bag of potato chips it is probably I....

Or a lady in a black autumn coat, her kinky hair in communion with the drizzling rain... it is probably I....

Maybe a fella in a fedora... pulled to cover his eyes...
or the teenager in an ivory puffer pretending to be in the depths of winter...

Hey! or that old lady... intent on getting the best of the food shelf at Marks and Spencer... whao! could that be me?

What about that lady... the cappuchino colored one with an ipod molesting her ear drums... that could be me too!

I wonder which is Me?

My Wall Quilt

An older cousin of mine made a wall quilt on which she inscribed ‘success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt hung on the wall in our sitting room. Everyday, I would go and stand by the wall to look up at the quilt. I would mouth it silently, sometimes I would even climb the single setter settee under the quilt to reach up and touch the quilt. I would trace the dark indigo threads of the inscription while still mouthing its message ‘Success awaits Tyger’.
The quilt was making a statement, it was not a prayer, a question, a hope or a suggestion, it was a statement of fact; a categorical sentence of certainty specific to me. My older cousin in her wisdom as an adult was not saying ‘ Tyger may be a success’ or ‘Success may come to Tyger’ or ‘Tyger should be a success’ or even ‘Success awaits You’ with ‘You being anyone reading the quilt.
She was saying as a matter of fact that ‘Success awaits Tyger’. In my young mind, my cousin being an adult must know….and yes she knew…. And was saying because she knew ’Success specifically awaited Me’ it was waiting for ‘me’ out there and all I had to do was grow up, reach out and touch success.
So I believed the message on my quilt and everyday as the dark blue thread of the inscription faded and even broke in places from age and constant caress, my belief grew stronger.
I thought, I believed it, I lived it, I acted it, I talked it, and I worked and made every effort with the constant awareness that ‘Success awaits Tyger’
My success was a certainty and nothing could take this from me. This did not encourage me to lie back and relax in a ‘let it come to me’ attitude rather it fuelled my desire to be, to live a life of achievement, to rise above challenges, to fall 6 times and rise 7 times.
How can I stay down when success awaits me probably around the next corner? I desired, wished to prove my quilt right and despite the fact that all the threads of my quilt came off and my blue wall hanging ended its life in the waste bin, its stitches are permanently sewn in my mind influencing the workings of it.
‘Success awaits Tyger’