2008 -a review of the golden year

This year will be ending in 8hrs 30mins (GMT)and I am deeply conscious of how good a year it has been.

Honestly God has been faithful

Yes I can't deny there are still things I want and need and I am not talking about the WII game board here... even though i do want that

Things like a dream job....

Things like a production contract with a Fashion House

Things like Baroque on a platter...

Things like my own place....

The list is endless and they are all important

Nevertheless this year has been golden:

I have bagged an additional degree...

lived abroad in the European country I have always wanted to live in, where life is golden...yeah Switzerland

worked at my dream job...

travelled...

made new friends, kept old ones and lost nasty ones...

explored Madison Avenue and 5th Avenue indepth...

finished sketching a whole fashion collection for next year...

bought a superb sewing machine on which i intend to perform innovative magic

kept a large number of the resolutions I made in 2008! - yes I didnt stalk any boy and i stayed away from Faith and Manolo Blahnik and Designer sales...

So yes! 2008 has been a golden year

and with much expectation and joy I am looking forward to 2009 and I hope you are too...

And if you think you dont have just enough reasons to be excited and expectant, you are wrong cos if you look hard enough, you will find enough reasons to say

2008 has been a golden year and 2009, I cant wait to see you!

Pros and pros

I was talking to a friend a few days ago... and she said "why are you single?"

and i thought "is that a rhetorical question or does she really want an answer?"

but before i could coin an appropriate response she said "you should hurry and just do it, just do it... you are just being choosy and you need to stop being so choosy... being single is so wrong!"

"whoa whoa whoa! hold it there" i said, "where is all that coming from? being single is not wrong dear, infact i think it can be quite awesome and has got its many benefits!" she shrugged and said " i dont know of any!"
the conversation ended shortly after that...

but on and off, I have been thinking about the benefits of being single... the "pros and pros" and now i have decided to write a few here...share with y'all... now i'm not saying there are no cons to being single, but today i am focusing on the "pros"
and i have numbered everything "1" cos its all about being single.

Here goes

1. you can have more than one man fussing around you

1. and you can do breakfast, dinner or lunch with any man that catches your fancy

1. you can be the "girl" in so many people's lives! including your dad! (and not in a dating sense!)

1. the money you earn is all yours!

1. you dont need to justify how you spend it or what you buy

1. there are no in-laws to manage

1. you have the bed to yourself

1. and have someone in it, only when you want for as short as you want...lol

1. you are not accountable to anyone else but yourself - you can up and go wherever you like whenever you like (and i have done that a few times)

1. your time is yours, not under some "new management"

1. you can work late and not feel guilty or have to apologize or negotiate

1. yes your life is not a constant dialogging or negotiation

1. you can be as selfish as a cat

1. you cook or buy food only cos you are hungry... there is no other mouth to consider

1.your life is exactly that - yours!

feel free to contribute to this list

remember the numbering is "1"

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!!

I was watching the National Geographic Channel, I do a lot... cos I love animals madly.... everything on all fours... except reptiles oh...

Anyway, I was watching the Nat. Geo and it was a program about Tigers and their hunting habits (yeah tigers..lol) and something struck me strongly

In the world of nature, survival is 100% dependent on results.

A hungry tiger in the wild doesnt get food by chasing its prey from 8am to 5pm.
If he makes a kill, he eats,
If he doesnt, he starves
If he's a good hunter, he prospers
if he's a poor hunter, he's history.

There are no time clocks, no sick leaves, no paid vacations, no points or promotions for trying hard and no kissing arse...
Mother nature is an unforgiving no-nonsense 100% result oriented bitch of a boss... aint cutting anybody any slack and excuses dont gel...

I bet you are saying - warrever! we are people not animals and that's in the jungle not here ...
but you see it applies to us

Like the tiger in the jungle, the achiever, the fortune 500 fella has no choice but to be result-oriented....
Putting in long hours means nothing
Being well organised means nothing
Knowing the right people means nothing
following a daily regimen means nothing
and being efficient means nothing

WITHOUT (before you guys bite my head off)
WITHOUT RESULTS
RESULTS ARE EVERYTHING!
TO MAKE ANYTHING OF YOURSELF YOU HAVE TO BE RESULT ORIENTED!

You either close the sale or you don't!
if you deal with customers, they either come back or they dont
you either achieve the set objective, or you don't

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!!

The Audacity of Hope...

So Obama won the election, I stayed up that night till 2.30am watching and waiting.... then the Ohio votes came in and I knew that Obama had won... and done it real good... i went to bed....

Next morning... there was so much excitement, so much noise, so much jubilation, funny text messages selling Obama Aso-ebi and various facebook profile messages....
and some of the profile messages i noticed were "the audacity of hope", "yes we can" "now i know all things are possible" "now i know i can achieve anything i dream" "the doors have been thrown wide open" bla bla bla and more bla....

"Fascinating!" i said to myself, "so now you know all things are possible abi? now you know you can achieve all things right? oh really?"

I opened my facebook and on my profile i wrote the following words
"if Obama can do the Black house, then i can do the palace, buckingham here i come"

That statement might sound funny to you, or preposterous like it sounded to many, cos in the short space of 5 hours i received such replies like "in your dreams" "get real" "Britain is not America oh" these comments were coming from the same people who said "all things are possible"

This same people were now saying "all things are possible but not something crazy like that..." Their responses proof of the barriers in their minds, the existing structures that keep us from going after those dreams...

As long as those structures exist, we will say a million times "all thing are possible" and then continue to be mediocre!

I am convinced that Obama's dreams were greeted with a similar response 10 years ago by many people who heard it then... but suddenly they dont look crazy anymore...

Now we are all screaming "Obama has opened new doors and showed us all things are possible!" really?

Dont get me wrong...I laud Obama with all my heart, however Obama did not fling any door open... he merely chose to see a open door where others see a wall...

The first black secretary general of the UN, the first woman in space...etc... saw doors... Obama and others like him are those who have chosen to break down the structures in their minds... to see open doors where to others there are walls... and the Obamas of this world will continue to walk through to success, fame and fulfilled dreams while the rest who see walls or locked doors will continue to stand outside, waiting for the Obamas to come and fling open doors that are already open... if only their chose to see and believe.

what am i saying?

while we rejoice with Obama and America, either as black people or as people who see a dream being lived, we shouldnt just scream "the audacity of hope" "yes we can" "all things are possible" let us scream it, believe it, dream it, live it... and make our dreams reality

My blog award

10days ago, I was awarded the "I love your blog" award by Aloted

need i say i was thrilled, tickled and totally flattered to have gotten the award?
to think someone actually loves my innane writings is so.... humbling... thanks aloted... you rock!

so i am expected to pass on the award :-( and here are the rules for doing that:

1.The nominated is allowed to put the picture on their blogs.
2.Link to the person who awarded you.
3.Nominate seven other people and link to them.
4.Leave a message on those people's blog to make them aware that they're nominated.

so in the order i remember them, I am passing on the award to:

1. Unnaked - who showed me the world of blogging... your mind is beautiful! and your expression of it more so... even though you have taken a vacation from blogging, I hope you come back soon!

2. Oluwadee - I cant remember how i found your blog, but I sure I'm glad I found it... your blog brings me joy and frequently encouragement, your journey from spinsterhood to marriage has been exhiliarating and deep... what else can I say but I totally love your blog!

3. Afrojigy: I no fit shout! your blog is naughty, sassy yet smart... and its one blog i love visiting... religiously... even if it means glancing around and making sure no one is watching when I open it cos you never know what picture you got up!
you are some awesome stuff!

4. Aloted: purpose driven someborry... sister and friend... i love more than your blog... i'm loving you too!

5.Career driven woman: I just found you and your blog is a mine of information ... your blog has become an everyday tonic...

6.Overwhelmednaijababe: there is nothing overwhelmed about you! your blog amooses me and your thoughts give me thoughts... love ya blog

and finally my blog lover

7. Baroque: I have left you till last cos you totally rock my blog world!
if i write how much i love your blog and invariably your mind, some people eg. afrobabe will de-friend me " all is fair in love and war" and all that stuff... so i will simply say i adore your blog and the mind behind it.

I've gone and done it now!

Today, I upped, went to Sears and bought a Singer electric sewing machine!

Yes, after bagging a Masters degree that has nothing to do with fashion, cost thirty thousand dollars and from a top 5 UK school, I have decided to make clothes...

Did I hear a gasp? a sigh.... perhaps a giggle at my madness or stupidity?

I dont blame you... but Yes, I have gone and done it...

I have always wanted to sew... I have pages and pages of sketches and there is nothing i find more delightful than turning something creative out from under my machine...

Why did I wait this long, work for 4 years... get an expensive Masters?

Simple... I've been scared of taking the leap!

However, I am taking it now...

Dear Blog family, I need your support... your encouragement and your followup...

Cos Tyger is plugging the machine to make some Haute Couture!

Shoes, Manhattan, Love and I

Tyger has spent the last 10 days.... roaming 5th Avenue, 23rd Avenue and Madison Avenue indulging my craving for shoes... high heeled, wicked looking things, in black, blood red, wine.... tan...purple... six inches... three inches... brushed leather, croc,patent....naughty monkey, chinese laundry, baker, aldo, steven balden... and let me tell you its been an orgasmic experience...

talking of orgasmic experiences, i got a full body massage at the "Massage Envy" and this buff black guy worked every muscle on tyger... muscles i didnt know existed... at the end of one hour i felt like poured honey... golden honey poured slowly.. melting... sweet and soft... flowing in all its golden beauty... yeah thats what a massage can do to you!

One up for the friend who sold me the massage idea....

So i can say in the last two weeks i have had a number of "heavenly experiences"

However,

there is this guy who wears a trench coat and a bowler hat and goes around dodging poor souls going about their own businesses...so he can beat them up

I think i need to categorically say - i dislike, detest and despise him...

My name is Tyger and I despise you!

There I have said it....

Now leave me alone...

dont dodge my steps...

dont follow me....

dont pounce on me at inconvenient moments...

dont take me where i have no control...

you try my strength and threaten to rock my gently floating boat...

i didnt whistle for your cab...

so why the screeching stop in front of me?

I am warning you...

if you attempt to beat me up this time.... I am gonna outright kill you....

And incase you dont know... while shopping for shoes, I made friends with some Italians in lower Manhattan/Bleaker street and some in Chicago too... and the hudson river still got space for people who wanna live with the fishes....

you cant be messing with me... its dangerous for you...

Is tyger ranting?

Warreva!

What exactly do i write about now? is the question that has plaqued my mind for a few weeks now...

when i do make up my mind.... like Arnold in Terminator 1 - I'll be back!

Till then, please forgive me and check back cos i aint totally dead yet... just flat out!

Older woman, younger man part 3

If I can just do a quick review of this document, I’ll be through for the day, I thought to myself flicking through the 50 page report I had just printed. I mean today is Friday for jeez’s sake…
I’ll start at the Bar L’Africana in the old town… and see how it goes from there, I continued absentmindedly turning the pages, trying to force my mind to focus on what I was trying to review.
An almost non-existent rap on my door jerked me back from the document I was starting to circle and underline in red pen.
“Come in”, I replied, not looking up.
“Hi” he said coming in slowly, hesitantly. “You said I could drop by…”
“Eh, yes,” perhaps I will be drinking more than beers and vodkas this evening, I thought.
“How you doing?” I asked, not offering him a seat
“Fine”
“Yeah… I just realized that the stata program is per user, so the CD is of no use to you really” I said getting up from my seat, “but this laptop here, is an extra… I smiled indicating the laptop on my side table, “I don’t use it… rarely do… and you can borrow it whenever!” I finished smiling triumphantly.
“Oh really? That’s cool”
“As for the documents, they are up there, let me get them….” The documents were stacked precariously on an upper shelf, I tried to reach for them…inching up against the shelf,
“Let me get them”he said… coming close… I stepped back and bumped into him..
“Sorry”
I smiled
He reached for the shelf and I squeezed past him seemingly to get a folder at a much lower level… grazing his back with my breasts…quickly… but deliberately.. I felt his back stiffen sharply… I moved away…
“Thanks” I smiled collecting the folders.
“Yeah…”
“You know you will really have a great time if you spend time going through this one thoroughly…” I said stamping on a bulky blue folder and staring at him intently, my eyes saying something else entirely.
I saw the red climb from the collar of his shirt up to his hairline.
“Ok” He smiled sheepishly and continued to stare at me 2 buttons below neck level.
“It’s pretty quiet around here after 5” he smiled moving closer just a tiny step… not too close… but enough to invade my space.
“Ahah! You are totally game!” I crowed in my head.
“That’s cos everybody has gone home… and today is Friday… most folks can’t wait to get outta the door” I moved closer too… a slightly bigger step than his… but definitely significant enough.
“Yeah”
I kissed him… claiming his lips for a brief moment… broke it…I reached for his mouth again deepening the kiss and broke it again… now he came back… his left hand in the small of my back, he pulled me into him… I am 5ft 11, and he is still taller… much so.
His mouth explored mine… wet and cool and soft at the same time… he grazed my lower lips sucking on them, back to my upper lip… then both…sucking them at once... his tongue in my mouth...seeking and teasing... hell of a kisser…
We go at this for a minute… then I feel the cool breeze from the window on my skin, and he lowers his head…gently biting me through the gossamer lace of Victoria’s secrets that was struggling to hold me in…my back is pressed into my book shelf, I don’t care right now.
He raised his head for a second, reaching behind me to release the hooks, 1,2,3 and I burst free… in all my glory… shaking slightly… nipples darkened with desire…
“Hmm”, he moans…lowering his head again… he licked and sucked urgently… his tongue flickering back and forth… going from one to the other… while his right hand roams down my skirt to push it up… to my waist.
He finds my thighs and caresses them softly… upwards till he finds the wetness dripping through lace…his finger curved in a ‘Q’ he stroked me back and forth… the feeling was intense... exquisite delight… my mouth went dry… I looked at his face… all red… and his blue eyes slightly glazed and many shades darker…
Gently, he stirred me to my desk… I smile at him with my eyes… and mouth… and lying on my desk assumed Mahmood’s favorite position… Mahmood would visit me at work… just to do this.
He pushed the reports and papers out of the way pushing some of the them to the ground… and drops to his knee…pushing my legs as far apart as my skirt would allow; a tramp who hasn’t seen food in a week couldn’t be more enthusiastic… I tried to stifle my moans…
Twice I felt the volcanoes erupting in all their brilliance…spreading their warm inside me, through me… before he raised his head smiling at me… some arrogance in his face now…
“You good?”
“Like honey baby” I replied smiling impishly and jumping off the desk…
I turned around, dropped my skirt and my very rumpled thong and laid face down to the waist on the table…
“Hit me baby” I drawled… bar L’Africana, cidars and vodka can definitely wait a few hours….

Older woman, younger man part 2

If you are getting confused... the previous post starts part 1
"Hello, I'm Fatima" one of the girls, the dark one... cant guess her nationality

"Jack… " definitely British... up north maybe

"Lillian…" the other girl... American

"Can I seat with you guys?"

"Yeah sure…"
"Sure…"
"Yeah… "
They chorused… brief smiles…faltering…

I can almost read their minds… "Why is she sitting with us…. We are new, trainees… she is what? An executive? principal advisor?..."

"So how are you guys finding it here, settling in well?"

He shrugged

I smiled… cat got his tongue now…

"calm down" I say with my eyes, "this is only conversation"

"Its okay"… Lillian smiled charmingly, but with steel in her eyes.

Ah ah! Know thy enemy… you hey?... I smiled back at her and said "Don’t worry it only gets better…"

"So what are you guys working on exactly… same projects?" I asked intentionally turning to Fatima.

"Well I'm working with Phillip on the cost effectiveness analysis of some drugs for a pharma in London" she replied.

"Phillip Donja in Health Economics?"

"Yeah and it's really fascinating and all"

I let her drone on for a minute.
"And you guys?"

"Doing a costing evaluation for the NHS" he said.

"Drugs or treatments?"

"Treatments, cancer"

"You too?" I turned to Lilian

"I'm working with Anita on the cost effectiveness of introducing some drugs in Africa"

"Ah! The Americans and their plan to save the whole world" I smirked … Anita… unfortunately…is also the office queen bee and bitch rolled into one.

"Well actually…

I cut her short… "that reminds me…. I do have a load of stuff that might help you with your costing evaluation and you are going to need a STATA software, do you have that?" I asked Jack.

"No, I don’t" he shook his head

"Okay drop by my office, later today or something"

"Okay guys, gotta rush now…" I got up briskly and dropped my coffee cup in the trash in one fluid motion…. "Of course, if you guys need anything, you wanna talk, you need answers to something… or more work" I added drily, I'm in room 4114" I paused then added "anytime" and strode off.

"I don’t like her" I heard Lillian whisper, her American accent givîng her away without my having to look.

'Tut tut I can hear you'… I smile to myself 'and you don’t count!'

Older woman, younger man

There is a saying that in the perfect world, the older women would be with the young men and the young girls with the old men. Why is this? Perhaps because the older woman and the young men are at the same phase in life, likewise the young girl and the older men.

The older woman finally comfortable in her sexuality... every act her pleasure in mind... no longer all about him and the younger man voraciously exploring his... both of them unwilling to complicate issues... at that point...

The younger woman a dreamer... wanting much more than the sex and the older man... knowing there is much more than the sex and willing to îndulge the younger woman...

Why am i rambling on about this, because i am the older woman, sitting in the office lounge and 45 degrees to the north of me... he is sitting there... laughing... cute like a button... sexy as red...body to die for... 22 years old... at most 25...

I have caught his eyes twice... and the second time he wasnt so quick to look away... this one is mine! i gloat in my head, at the two girls he is having coffee with... both oblivious of our silent conversation...

Looking at him i remember Mahmood... insatiable, exciting, 22 year old Mahmood...that lasted 6 months... 6 months of heart pumping, in-every-dangerous corner...grab-the-table-the-ride is on... sex...

Regretfully, it had to end... he was starting to get clingy, asking why, where, when and who... had to let him go... he was forgetting... not to complicate issues...

I got up and strode across the room... time to make my move...

"Hi, I'm Anasenwa...."

Tyger in the convent's shadow

I now live in a convent... what is hmmm? hen? you think i'm not holy enough? or i like boys pass?... no talk like that jo... i am now living in a convent... simple...

okay as a boarder! lol

for economic and aesthetic reasons, tyger has taken up board in this beautiful convent that runs a foyer for young ladies...

leave story.. them go look your face well.. say you no get devil spirit or look, no come spoil the daughters of mary wey dey inside...
anyway, to all you player haters... dem look my face... dem like am... dey give me room for 500 dollars a month! breakfast thrown in ... cheapest shit in this side of the world...lol

but.. you know as my mind dey work... i look all the sisters (dem no be like all those sisters we dey get for secondary school wey dey bitter and wicked o) dem all dey serene, and sweet... all atleast 60 years old ... and i dey think .... these people no dey do! chei! at all at all! chei!married to Jesus!

i know no o...
i ask one of them i say Sister Eliza, how long you being married to Jesus? she say 41 years my daughter!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, mo gbe... that place don close...

i no be like all of you na devil pikins, wey go dey talk say them nuns they sneak go 'do'...

you suppose see these people... you go know say 'do' no dey their body... wahala!... lol..

i still dey think am o...

if you love Jesus reach that kind put up your hand...
yeye girls and boys!

will i become like them?

Tyger has moved location again... and right now i'm in Europe, hiding away in some international organisation...pretending to work...lol

When i was going to start here, i said to myself 'you have to dress well in this place o ha!' so like a headless chicken i ran to the stores again... and if you say anything about 'excuse to shop' i will slap you!.

Anyway, i resumed work in my nice 'half of one month's allowance suit' and looking good. in less than 6 hours i became aware of certain appalling facts.

1. these people dont do nothing - 30mins breakfast, 1 hour lunch... numerous breaks here and there ... there is actually a huge lounge for hobnobbing... and they all run home on the bendy bus 8.

2. it is a ministry! imagine ministry of health osogbo osun state or ministry of sports ibadan, now transport all those people to switzerland and give them tags to wear.

3. they are the worst dressers in the world... ohmegosh! i want to faint 10 times!...i'm not talking colour riot londoner kinda dressing o... that one can be artsy sometimes... i'm talking painful-bad-arse-terrible-give-you-an-headache-bad dressing.

in case you think Tyger don come again... exaggerating
here goes

1. ankara tucked inside levis 101 jeans.
2. trainers on nylon gown
3. bold print on strip trousers
4. pink waist coat, white trouser, puke green silk shirt and it was a guy!
5. knicker boggers!

its like they are stuck in 1985 and forgot to come out.... the women wear perms and rayon gowns... i try not to laugh... i was tempted to take pictures yesterday when i saw someone with his vest tucked into short knicker and a brigh peacock drawn on it waistcoat! what the...? awon mofo yi wanna kill me...

i know the pay is not what people on the outside love to think it is ... but men! it CANNOT BE THIS BAD NA!...

My fear has gone from not dressing well... to worrying that in a few days this people will not look funny any more and in a few weeks they will be normal looking and in two months they will start looking pretty... and then... i will be dressing like them? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

a letter to their association

sometimes last year, a girlfriend got shot by armed robbers! for not exiting her car fast enough for them to steal.

They were going from car to car… and shooting everybody… shooting! What did they want exactly? Why couldn’t they just take the cars, the money and the jewelry? I’m sure nobody would resist them… Nigerians are now wise and very cooperative with these angels of death or should I say demons of death… cos heaven has nothing to do with this.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs… scream till I’m hoarse ‘TAKE EVERYTHING AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE!’ I wish they had an association, a representative body cos I would write them a letter. I would say

‘Dear Armed robbers and killers association of Nigeria, Lagos branch,

We know that you will rob us, that you will take from us what we have earned through hard labour, sweat and many hours of working late and on weekends.

We know, but we also know that nemesis will catch up with you! That one day your reign of terror will be over and we will fill the prisons with your filth and we will not practice social welfare in there! This is not the United Kingdom.

We will make your life hell for the many years of torment you have given us and employ every form of bureaucracy to ensure you serve your sentence twice over! Maybe even trice!.. if someone like me is in power… by then!

We know that you will snatch from us… but we ask that you snatch property… material things… please do not snatch our souls… do not take that which cannot be replaced… do not rob us and rob generations to come of wonderful mothers and fathers, of leaders; do not deprive the people at home of the hero in their lives… no matter how tired and burnt out we look, we are somebody’s hero and even for you we are the goose that lays the golden egg.

If you kill us all, who will you rob tomorrow?… think of these things carefully when you rob us. Do not kill your golden goose or gander… killing us adds no value to you, no monetary value, no benefit… zilch…

I’m aware that killing us might bring you some utility, some happiness… but it is transient and misplaced… you are happy because you think you have killed an oppressor! How foolish you are! Your oppressors ride in motorcades and have body guards… they oppress you and us! And use your brothers and sisters as their bodyguards. So your joy is misplaced, your utility is misdirected and our deaths uncalled for… can’t you see? Don’t you understand?… we are the evidence that you can also crawl out of the hole!… we are the result of hope, hard work and perseverance! It is possible our very existence tells you. Can’t you see that?
Oh I forgot! your face is covered with a pair of black socks! You cannot see anything!

All I say is this, leave us alone, take what you want but do not take our lives, you should be grateful that at least we accept your presence… for now’.

The main market for scrap metals was closed the week before so ‘all the boys’ have nothing to sell, no money to eat and so they are angry! So ?...

I so hate misdirected efforts… take your crude guns and marijuana induced anger and head to the state house, house of assembly.. the senate… take your anger to the right place… don’t come and shoot us and take the toys given to us by those who enslaved us in the name of work.

We get sacked too, laid off, after the organisational review by those smooth talking consultants! We don’t run around naked pulling out our hair and biting people… we try again! At something else.

I do not say it is good, that some people are hungry, unemployed or have nowhere to sleep… I do not say it is fair that there is so much inequality and so few opportunities that we all have to scramble for, but listen to me carefully; it doesn’t give you the right to kill…

Although this highly opinionated letter of mine is just a letter but i do hope it turns into a prayer of some sorts and may all my wishes for you in it come true.

With no Regards,

Tyger

I was tagged!

The rules are:
1. Link the person who tagged you to this post
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged
This meme is about any particular mannerism you have, ok?

I have been tagged by aloted so
lets fly:

1. i wake up to drink water in the middle of the night! who else does that? please tell me you all do!... i wake up, 2am, 3am with a patched throat 4 nights out of 5 and i must drink water before i go back to sleep. so there is always a bottle or glass of water near by bed.
2. i stutter! they say girls dont stammer only boys do... lie! i do something o... i repeat words a few times before they roll out ... especially when i'm excited.. it was quite bad growing up... but i have learn't to control it so i'll come across now as somebody who speaks very fast! wait till i'm all excited though then i revert!
3. i hate washing clothes! i hate washing clothes so much my hands shake when i do it
4. i wake up very slowly and perk up as the day goes by - i never understand why people want to grin and laugh in the morning!... i never get it.
5. I fantasize about me on a distant beach/Island with music playing, trees swaying and my white skirt bellowing… I’m always in white in that fantasy.
6.I love to see people in Love, and I love the whole idea of love, but I have a LTCD (long term commitment Disorder) and it scares me

i now tag - baroque, sagacite, ziariz, kunle says,

The Camera man

I went to church today.. for a mid week service... first this year (dont even say anything) and it was good... but why am i here talking about this?

In my church and i think in a lot of churches, the sermon is usually filmed.

So someone was filming...and projecting it behind pastor... something i find quite distracting cos sometimes i watch out for myself - like... no show me o... no show me o abeg!... okay show me small!

Anyway, i was sitting there, the pastor came on... cameras were rolling and pastor trying to warm up the church said 'if you are with me, give me your most beautiful smile... so i kinda cocked my head to one side and decided to give my yahoozy grin instead... next thing the whole church was laughing... what's funny?... somebody tell me...
then i see i'm on the screen... i'm the reason they are laffing!
the mofo cameraman decided to project my 'yahoozee grin' on the screen!

to say i was embarrassed is quite an understatement! how can a whole church be laughing at my grin?... it is not funny business at all...

Then we settle down for the sermon that lasted exactly one hour (i almost died in fact) and somehow through it i saw flashes of my cardigan on the screen again...

so i tried to keep a straight face through the service...

Service ends and i rush for the door... guess what?
someone comes up to me and said 'you should buy today's sermon tape'
i said 'yeah yeah, it was a good one'
'you were on it so frequently, is the camera guy your friend or something?'
wha! wetin you talk? on it frequently ke?.. i saw flashes once or twice...

honestly you were

Okay... i replied... kinda lost now...

i make it to the door and then this lady smiles at me...
i smile back... 'you must have had fun today!' she said , 'you laffed so much'

'may 200 camels fart in the face of this camera man! which kind tory be this na!'

Tyger mews!

I seek solace for my pains in the wrong hands
I seek answers to my questions in dark places that yield no fruit

The state of my mind is tumultuous and in transit.
I am surrounded yet abjectly aware that I’m alone
Anger, rage, dismay characterise the thoughts of my mind and the epileptic fit that is my emotions will not cease to rise and fall like the waves in tandem with the tides.
Sadness a friend, confusion is a relative, fear is an ally, together we dodge dark corridors and alleys in a strange search for precious rubbles.
Again and again like a dunce in primary six, I reseat the exams of life, my repeated failure no longer a thing of shame but of consternation.
My constant 'falling face down' now a source of benign dry humor, ‘you havent learnt the secret to success you fool!’ it seems to say.

I seek to understand life, my brethren, love, the important issues, all without avail, my pursuits only leave me bereft.
I am alarmed that i progress across this smelly river of indeterminate age with no understanding of where i go or why i embarked on the journey...


by the way, yesterday was my buffday...
hupiya buffday to me hey?

I dont understand

I dont understand why girls come to the library in mini skirts and high heels...

I dont understand why some people stink so much - them no fit smell them selves?

I dont understand why i have to study - cant someone discover how to program the human brain with information?

I dont understand any of it....

I dont understand how anyone can use the loo and forget to flush! ... after doing MAJOR!... haba!

I dont understand why some men are so mean... and why some are so fickle....

I dont understand why people bore me and some people permanently irritate me...

I dont understand none of it....

And to crown it all...

I dont understand why i'm still single!

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Travails of a traveller

Why do they scrutinize your passport at immigrations and control across Europe the moment they see its a Nigerian passport - they are practically waiting for cocaine to start falling out!

Why do they spray insecticide on human beings in airplanes leaving Nigeria when we all know these thing has been repeatedly warned against and they dont try it in other countries?

How manage we still have only one terminal in the international airport in Lagos?

How do people manage to sleep and snore in a barely reclined aircraft chair in economy class?

Why do some Nigerians think its okay to take the crappy earphones and blankets when getting off airplanes?

Why does flying have to be such tedious business?

There must be an easier way of getting around na....

I'm hating all of it... and gladly bitching!...

Missing limb syndrome

I am suffering from the missing limb syndrome...
my phone has been stolen yet sometimes i feel it vibrating from the pocket of my jacket!

E no go berra for the mofo that stole it o! honest! na sweat i take buy that phone na!

what a waste... all the numbers... gone! aristos, lovers, friends and barred nos alike... pshew... i feel bereaved!...lol....

Coming clean

I have decided to come come clean...out of the closet...

Hello I'm Tyger and i'm a shophaholic

I would love to talk more about my valient efforts to stop shopping but i have to go now... there is this lovely pair of shoes i'm trying to hunt down...

Passive-aggressive people

I don't understand why oyinbo people (this time i include everybody that is NOT black) are so passive aggressive... one of the nastier parts of being a student is having to do projects... na so so projects...small ones, big ones... assessed ones, unassessed ones... and the worst part is a good number of them are team projects.

Teacher - guys, this term, we have 2 projects to turn in and they are both team based projects (we?... which one be we? you no go write na!)... so you should choose partners - groups of 3 to 5, not more.. your write up will of course be separate please.

ahw! we don start again... this is why i like naija o... school is simple...
go to class...
copy note endlessly,
jollof...
exam time...
cram everything in your note...
finish! you don pass!...

but this place as you are doing project you are doing seminar as you are doing seminar you are doing workshop.... wahala!..... pshew!

Anyway i digress....

Before the lecturer even commot for class, na so this chinkanchwin run come meet me (no fall down o! tyger no fit carry person!)....

Chinkanchwin - Tyger, do you wanna be in our team, Jin jin (i swear na the name be that o) Periwaina (honest na them names)and i are forming a group for the project.

Tyg - okay make we do am...


Meeting after meeting com begin... na 5 page write up o, but them go wan discuss every line... and half way through the meetings i realise these girls practically hate each other...

Why you com form group na?.... this is what i call passive aggressive behaviour....

Through the meetings they proceed to attack each other... tacitly... jejely... without noise... sabotaging each other... they leave each other out of meeting schedules... mistakenly delete each other's work... tell lecturer your team member no dey interested... all the while them dey smile each other... awon oloshi...

Na wa o! i know understand all these people... why you na form group?.... i still dont understand...

Now Tyg dey the middle of it all

Periwaina take it easy, no bite Jinjin... Jinjin calm down... Periwaina didnt plan to leave you out of meeting schedule....

Abeg Chinkochwan no dey go jam lecturer behind team member backs again o! abi na!

I tire o!

Ohmegosh! i've been gone for a month!... a whole month! okay i'm back i'm back i'm back... what's my name again... oh shuck!

Speaking from behind a dope screen

It was a bad night...

Caffeine and a few other things not worth mentioning...

The sleep was bad ... the dream was worse...
nightmarish... all my fears came alive and spoke to me...

i was stranded on an island with my most annoying cousin

an island of muscular men - who were 3 foot tall...
and spoke a strange language... and laughed from their necks!

We all lived under the stairs...with the man that lived under the stairs!
since i was 5!

my home boy was dead... yet alive...
dying of bone racking cough...

My heart brother has a sore... in his leg...
and it is festering so badly...his toes are falling off!

My new interest forgot my name... and kept sneering at me...

I am banished to an island...

in the space between the roof and the ceiling...

dark and mysterious

and i can hear the voices...

ganjally speaking... caffeinerously thinking...

This is all blue...

I need to wake up...

I think its morning ... already!

More Doubledecker stories

Personally i think it is high time i gave up on the buses and walked everywhere!
as i cant afford to buy a car and drive it to central london!...and forget i no fit ride bicycle in this london... do i want to die young? Nooooooooo! okay no more buses... i will walk from now on! and if you are wondering why i'm making this strange resolution half way into january... listen to tory!

Today i sat jejely in the upper deck, not my favourite front-of-the-bus-tourist seat (refer to doubledecker toaster if you are wondering) but just a good window seat where i could look down on what was available of the world.

But someone caught my eye, a young brown eyed lady... on second thoughts no be lady... woman... girl... wharrever, in a black coat, grey jeans, black socks, gold shoes, purple cardigan and red gloves! sitting across the aisle from me. Now it is not the colour clashing ensemble that I found amazing (that's pretty normal around here, e no dey shock me again) but what she was doing.

She brought out a huge compact mirror (nothing compact about it) from her blue bag and openned it in her lap, then she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of her nose. (okay now - i thought). then she stuck the finger into her mouth again and brought out a little more wet stuff and rubbed on her cheek! ahah! this mofo dey take saliva baff inside bus?
then she repeated the action, and rubbed on her upper lip! this oloriede kept this up till i got off the bus - 7 stops later... she kept rubbing saliva over a little bit of her face one at a time... meticulously!

What is all this na! early morning like this?...dem chase you commot for house you no get chance baff?... if you wan baff you no fit buy bottled water?...

Ah ha! ito! saliva! on your face! eranko ni mofo yi (this mofo is an animal) to say i was disgusted was an understatement yet i managed to laugh uproariously before i got off the bus....

Madness!

Like i said before i no dey take double decker again!

I think you should know....

that...
1. You should never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth.. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22.Never lick a steak knife.

23. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

27. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

28. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

29. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers..

30. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


And before you think I'm genius... i did get this from somewhere... ain't telling you where though... yeah plagiarism wharrever.. you like this stuff don't you? lol

Doubledecker toaster (part 2)

'So how is it going?' he said smiling at me. (please refer to part 1 if you are already confused).

'How is what going?' I'm thinking, so i just stare at him.

I mean your face is really familiar... do you live on Temple lane?

Ohmegod! i thought that line went out with the 90s! i looked around the bus, am i the only one hearing this?'

'No!' i now reply firmly.
'Okay then it must be the bus 344' he said nodding like a wise old man.
Osi gini?... what is all this na

i dont take the bus 344
i'm not even sure there is any such bus this side of london!..

'okay... but i'm sure i know you somehow and even if i dont i'd like to get to know you more better' he now said finishing smugly like he had just accomplished a feat.

you cant say ' more better' you cant speak English like that! now i really i'm screaming in my head.

'Say something' he prompted me, 'my name is Akeem! I'm from Nigeria!'

I so wish you would go away my mind voice says as rudely as it can

'I'm sorry, i don't want to have a conversation. i'm busy' i replied politely.

then he glanced down at my hand and saw the daily bible study.

Dear friends you would not believe what this guy did next!
' I know you are busy, but there is nothing God cannot do!, with God all things are possible'

i want to laugh! i want to laugh uproariously! but he will take it as encouragement so i turn to him with a straight face.

'No please'

'Okay can i have your phone number?' he persists

'No you cannot! i dont want to give you my number, please leave me alone!'

' i know there is nothing God cannot do , but its okay' and he shrugs and leaves.

The buses in london have become unsafe for a girl...

my doubledecker toaster

Yesterday morning i set out for school... i was running late,i've been doing this running late thing since school resumed this year. i still cant get myself back on the normal clock, so i wake up a tad late, do everything else in a rush and still miss all the right buses... i've even gone to school with my hair looking like the venue of a bloody chicken fight... this very term... bad start abi...pshew!

Anyway, i crammed some dry baguette in my mouth... swallowed coffee and ran out of my flat...dragging on my heavy jacket on the way.

As i approached the bus stop, this guy started grinning at me from afar like i was a long lost 20 pound bill!... ahah.. do i know this man?.. who be this? early momo, grinning like this?.. all the same, no biggy... some people like doing colour solidarity... but i didnt smile back o... his grin was too big for my liking...so i stuck my earphones in my ears... let Macy Gray do her thing...

The bus came less than a minute later... phew! i woulda missed it again if i had waited just a bit. i got on the bus...my favourite seat was empty... the one at the very front... on the upper deck... with all that leg space.. now Aretha Franklin is crooning in my ears.. i think today will be nice...i will get to class on time and my hair is looking peaceful...

In the spirit of my new year resolutions, i bring out my daily bible reading... make i read this thing... i have already missed so many days as the book just come from naija... and i am going to be a noice kid this year o... for all you playa haters out there...

verse for today - love your neighbours...

'Excuse me, can i seat here?' mr grinner is standing there, pointing at the seat beside me...

'sure' i nod " no follow me yarn this morning o...i never read this love your neighbour thing finish so no expect me to practice it yet. you look like a serial killer!'

i'll be right back guys...

This year 2008

This 2008... its gonna be fly....
i'm gonna eat breakfast before 12 noon and dinner before 10pm
i'll keep in touch with all my great friends and remember all birthdays
i'll pay my tithes on time and go to church midweek and sundays
this year is sure gonna be fly...

i'll love the library a little more, and Zara's a little less
i'm gonna chase down a good job, not that gold and blue shoe at Faith's
i'll even turn in my essays way before they are due...
let me tell you this year's gonna be fly

i wont do stalking or call any dude endlessly
i wont do no loving unless he loves me first...
so i'll give that quiet dude a chance and stop saying its too weird
this year i'm gonna fall in love... and stay in love...
no falling out... no saying good bye
this year... up there...fly!

ohhhhh... i love 2008 already!